Ashley Madison Not One of Tiger Woods’ Mistresses

If Ashley Madison is not one of Tiger Woods’ many mistresses, then who is she and what does this have to do with Tiger Woods you ask? Plenty. If you didn’t know better, you’d think that Ashley Madison was just another interior design firm, or a designer of women’s high end house dresses, or even the latest contender in ladies’ home parties like Tupperware or Pampered Chef. Right?

Well, that’s the beauty of picking a name, sort of. Noel Biderman, originator of Ashley Madison, must have had this in his head when he decided to come up with an on-line adultery business that caters to lonely housewives who are tired of the men in their lives getting all the outside action. Ashley Madison’s motto? “Life is Short—Have an Affair.” While the service can be used by either sex, it was originally targeted toward the love-starved women who go online while their husbands are working late for the 4th night a week, and just need someone to listen, and to hold and to, well, you get the picture.

Imagine the conversation when hubby gets home.

Hubby: Hi Hon, I’m home.

Cheating Wife: Oh hi hon, dinner’s in the oven.

Hubby goes upstairs to give cheating wife a peck on the cheek and ask what’s she’s been up to.

Cheating Wife: Oh, you know, the usual, shopping on the net.

Hubby: Anything interesting?

Cheating, Lying Wife: Yeah, I’ve been looking around on Ashley Madison again.

Husband (chuckling): Oh dear, not another dreadful floral print for the living room I hope!

Cheating Wife (chuckling back): You caught me!

The Ashley Madison website business is designed to hook married people up with other married or single people who just want a little sextra fun and excitement in their lives. According to Biderman, ”it’s what most married people do anyway, so why not turn a quick buck on it?” Happily married himself, Biderman claims he is offering a valuable service to mankind and likens himself to great humanitarians like Hugh Heffner, Heidi Fleiss, and others who are not ashamed to offer an avenue for the unfaithful to get as much nookie as they can in the short time they are on this earth.

Although the service is offered to either sex, imagine the conversation of a husband and wife where the husband is caught skipping through the Ashley Madison offerings:

Wife: Hi, honey, I see you’re home early tonight. What’s so interesting on the computer?

Cheating Husband: Just on the Ashley Madison site.

Wife: Why you no good, so and so. Who the hell is Ashley Madison?

See? It just doesn’t work out too well for the guys. So Biderman, taking a cue from the latest Tiger Woods clusterfu*k scandal, has opened another website geared toward cheating husbands called “Discount Golf Supplies.” Now, when a man wants to cheat on his wife, he doesn’t have to take the chance of being accused of cheating with a woman named Ashley Madison. Instead the conversation is going to go a lot more smoothly:

Wife: Hi honey, I see you’re home early tonight.

Cheating Husband: Yeah, boss gave me a break tonight.

Wife (goes upstairs to give husband a peck on the cheek): Whatcha doin?

Cheating, Lying Husband: Oh just looking around on my favorite site “Discount Golf Supplies.”

Wife: Oh that’s great dear, I know how much you love your golf. Have you decided yet on a partner to play with on Saturday?

Cheating Husband (with a smile): Not yet, dear, but I’m sure working on it.

How pleasant is that? And if Tiger had been a member of Discount Golf Supplies, when he got e-mails back confirming his order, or even pings on his phone, Elin would never have been the wiser. With member names like RU-Red-E, Cobra Xtra Long, Hole-N-1, and Deep Slice SX400, the only thing a loving wife might have to complain about is her husband spending too much money buying golfing equipment and too much time shagging golf balls.

When CNN Prime News correspondent, Mike Galanos, asked Biderman how he can sleep at night, Biderman responded “with whom?”

Glenn Beck’s Latest Book: “Mama I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs

Yet another poignant reminder that Glenn Beck was born and lived to tell about it.

In “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs,” Beck takes his readers back to a time when all there was for breakfast was cold cereal and a glass of tap water, but it was enough to sustain him until he got lunch in the school lunch line and then dinner back home at night. “It’s a story of courage,” says Beck. “When times seemed the darkest and I got smacked upside the head for spilling a bit of my cereal on the kitchen floor, it taught me how to mop…mop up my milk, mop up the table in front of me, mop up my tears and get on the school bus.”

“A raving lunacy of a book. I laughed until I cried of laughter.” NY Post-its.
“Beck’s brilliant understanding of how his child-like mind works will help you understand how the man Beck thinks and how he doesn’t.” LA Times Two.
“Beck, what can you say about Beck?!!” Indianapolis Weekly Shopper

“I had to write this next book,” says Beck, “because there was a chapter missing in my ‘Christmas Sweater’ book. A story that begged to be told, so people everywhere can understand why my story is so dismal, so out of touch with reality, and why I am able to get up every day knowing I am telling my truths, no matter how unbelievable they are, they are still my truths, about God, country, and a woman who shaped me into who I am today, a man not afraid of crying over spilt milk.”

Although, the story is far from over, it will be repeated over and over until we can’t take any more of the torment Beck throws at us, the anguish we must feel at reading his every word until we, too, will be crying, “please, please Beck, no more, no more, please, no more.”

“A triumphant, brilliant, extraordinary cover photo!” The Madison County Picayune Times.
“Will undeniably sit atop a shelf at Borders begging to be purchased!” Reader’s Daily Reads.
“The Dr. Seuss of childhood memories.” Science Monitory Weekly Reader.

Never before has anyone written with such child-like mastery. You can almost see the crayon marks within the pages of Beck’s words, like a house with only one window, a skateboard with a wobbly tire, or a cat with only 7 lives. Beck reaches to the inner core of all of the people out there who are out of touch and wanting so much to be in touch. Never again will you spill a bit of milk, or juice, or even wine for that matter without thinking about that little klutz, Glenn Beck, and his eagerness to make his mommy proud of him again.

Zhu Zhu Pet Toymakers in Deep Zhu Zhu

Makers of this year’s most popular children’s toys, the Zhu Zhu Pet, are doing everything they can to avoid a recall of the toy after a report issued by GoodGuide indicates that the toys contain a potentially dangerous amount of Antimony in the fur and noses of the robo-pets that can lead to poisoning in children who play with them and ingest the toxic substance by way of mouth.

The toy company issued an initial statement totally denying the toys could have the potential to poison the little tykes lucky enough to get them for Christmas, and continued to place them on the market for sale. With the threat of a worldwide recall now a real possibility, the toy company has decided to include with every Zhu Zhu Pet purchase a free home hair analysis test for parents to periodically test their children’s hair for possible Antimony poisoning. Said a company spokesperson, “it’s a smaller price to pay than recalling all these wonderful pets and making all those children really, really sad for Christmas.”

When reached for comment on the potential fallout from this latest news, a Toys-R-Us company spokesperson had this to say, “at this point, we are just holding our breath and praying that all it comes down to is stocking a hair testing kid beside each Zhu Zhu Pet. At $40 to $50 a pop, we just can’t afford to take back all those hamsters, but giving free hair testing kits is a no-brainer.”

Meanwhile, pet shop owners are waiting to see what comes of this latest news. Harry Jones of Harry’s Hairy Hamster Pet Shop has decided to go ahead with plans to ramp up his pet hamster breeding program in hopes of having several hundred of the furry creatures by Christmas to sell to poor little kids who may be heartbroken when their parents return the robo-hamsters to the stores. “I used to sell these little fellas for $5 each, but come next week, hopefully, I’ll be getting closer to $50 for each of them. What’s a disaster for one toy company is a bonanza for me!” he said excitedly.

In a related story, Police in Camden, NJ have arrested Linda Buttafuoco-DiCenzo, stepdaughter of the famous Joey Buttafuoco, on charges of attempting to murder her second husband, Guido DiCenzo, by slipping a Zhu Zhu Pet into his drink while he was in the bathroom. When asked why a Zhu Zhu pet, Buttafuoco-DiCenzo stated “well, I heard some reports about some kinna toxic toy that could kill a person better than arsenic and I figured what the hell. Guido’s so gullible, I just told him it was one’a dem new kinna speciality drinks called a Hamster Hi-ball and he went for it, the dumb ox.”

Popular Food Network Hosts Arrested

New York, NY – The set of the Food Network’s annual “Ho-Ho-Home for the Holidays Christmas Spectacular” looked like a war zone Thursday with eggs, flour, heavy whipping cream and blood spattered everywhere. New York’s finest were called to the set after several attempts by the camera crew to get the hosts of the show to simmer down were met with more violence.

Several popular hosts of the Food Network were asked to come into the kitchens and cook up their favorite holiday dishes for the show. Among the hosts were Guy Fooleri of “Dinners, Drippins and Deepfryers” fame, Anthony “Tony” Bourbon of the hit show “Free Meal,” Paula Deepsouth, host of several southern cooking shows on the channel, the unnaturally perky, Rachel Sunshine, host of her own cooking shows as well as a syndicated talk show, and of course, “Man Eats Himself to Death” favorite, Adam Portman.

One cameraman, who was focused on Guy Fooleri at the grill making his famous double slider corn dog hash browns on toast with roasted chipotle salsa, told us “I’m filming Guy, when all of a sudden, up comes Tony Bourbon with the biggest rubber spatula I ever saw and whacks Guy upside the head yelling ‘You stupid son-of a freakin’ Fry Daddy. It’s a fu*king Christmas show for chrissake. Cook some fu*king sugar plums or something!’ That scared the living crap out of Guy, who then swung around with his own king-size spatula and hit Bourbon right in the mouth. The two ended up rolling on the floor right next to where Paula Deepsouth was getting ready to plate her special holiday dish.”

Another crew member ran over to Deepsouth, trying to push her from in front of the camera and away from the brawling cooks. “Oh mah good sweet dear Lord of Mercy, I swear those nawthern boys are gonna be the death of me. They done ruint mah glorious double banana and rhubarb upside-down loaded stuffed French toast for the last tahm, ” she said with her usual southern aplomb while trying to stay within the view of the camera, and without missing a beat, picked up a bowl of ice cold whipping cream and threw it on top of the both of them to cool them off. Bourbon swore he was gonna kick some southern butt next. “Sweet Paula’s gonna get a taste of a New Jersey knuckle sandwich for her Christmas meal,” yelled Bourbon.

The fight escalating, Rachel Sunshine dialed 911, but couldn’t convince the operator it was a true emergency until Sunshine yelled, “they’re beating the crap out of each other! How cool is that?” The operator asked Sunshine to stay on the line until officers arrived and while waiting, asked for a simple dish she (the operator) could make for her family the night before Christmas in about 30 minutes.

By the time the police arrived, the kitchen was in shambles and Tony Bourbon was furiously trying to get maraschino cherry juice stains off his $3,000 Tony Lama leather boots, muttering under his breath about the dumbasses that call themselves cooks on the show. “Cherry juice, for chrissakes, the stupid dumbass cooks on the show are using fake fu*king cherries, and the fu*king juice has to land on my leather boots. Someone’s gonna pay.”

As Bourbon and Fooleri were led away in handcuffs, Portman offered to clean up and was last seen licking the remnants of the whipped cream and cherries off the floor within the few minutes remaining, while Bourbon’s lovely pork belly pomegranate holiday soufflé continued to bake in a 400 degree slightly moist oven.

Clinton Township Police Blotter – Bigfoot Sighting

Mt. Clemens, MI – Seems with the cold weather approaching, there has been a rash of bigfoot sightings in the Mt. Clemens area, the most recent occurring last Sunday behind the local Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar out on 15 Mile Road in Clinton Township. Officer Stan Down was called to the scene by BWW employee, Lou Klively, who was visibly shaken by what he saw. “Yeah, I was goin’ out there to throw out the trash like I always do, and about this time I sees this big hairy thing not more’n 10 feet from me take off into the woods right over there,” he said pointing to a thicket of bushes and trees that line a creek area just west of the strip mall.

While it was hard for Klively to give a complete description of the person or thing that he saw, he is almost 100% positive it was one sort of bigfoot or another. Said Kively, “now I know it weren’t no Yeti cause they live up in the mountains or something, and I can’t say for sure if it was a sasquatch or a skunk ape, cause although it did smell a bit out here, that coulda been the rancid butter sauce I threw out earlier. So I’m gonna go with saying I’m 99% sure it was just your average bigfoot feller.”

Officer Down, during his investigation, found what he first thought might be human finger bones, cracked at the knuckles, but upon closer examination, he determined they were, in fact, chicken bones. Bigfoot creatures are known to like marrow and, during the colder months especially, it is an essential part of their diet. However, over on the other side of the dumpster there appeared to be half of a larger than human footprint in a puddle of bleu cheese dressing, obviously spilled by the creature when he was startled by Kively. “Yeah, he was out here having himself a meal alright,” said Officer Down. “The only thing missing was the crudité platter.”

Willow Creek, CA bigfoot expert, Homer Dickson III, son of Dick Dickson, one of the most famous bigfoot hunters in the country, is flying out next week to investigate the sighting and see if he can locate any more information about this particular band of bigfeet that seem to be living very close to the BWW. According to Dickson, sightings of bigfoot creatures are up all over the country. "When times are lean for America, that means, they are lean for all creatures. With fewer Americans having the time or the money to camp out in the woods, these creatures are being forced to forage for food where they would not normally do so, i.e. in dumpsters behind strip malls. There have been a rash of sightings over in Kings Mill out behind the Walmart over there and we're gonna investigate those sightings as well while we're in Michigan," he said.

The mayor of Mt. Clemens, Barb D. Empsey, welcomes the Dicksons with open arms. “Folks around here have been on edge, claiming they’re seeing things and wondering if they’ll be next to run into one of these bigfeet creatures. Although, we can’t be sure they exist, it can’t hurt to have these guys come out here with their chrome magnonmeters and their electronosphincters to test the area for possible infestation. Until they give the all clear, I’m urging all Mt. Clemens citizens to stay in their homes and only go out at night if absolutely necessary.”

Sarah’s Greyhound Really a Gulfstream (jet, that is)

Let’s refocus here, people. Just because a couple of wingnuts crashed a party in Washington, and some athlete, who shall remain nameless, crashed his pretty car and admitted to a few indiscretions; or, just because our President kinda let us think he was gonna do something really brave and order the withdrawal of troops from an unwinnable war but instead decided, what the hell, let’s give it one more go on the taxpayer’s dime. Let’s not lose sight of the really important news that went from front page to page 9 a little too quickly--Sarah Palin’s bogus bus tour.

Oh yeah, there’s a bus alright and sure enough, it’s got her larger-than-life picture plastered on the sides, and it is parked outside each venue she visits to sign that humdinger of a book everyone is jonesing to have in their library. I’m sorry, did I say everyone? Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement. But there is a book tour and there is a book and there is a bus with one lonely-ass bus driver, and now, there’s a jet. No wait, there is more than one jet. There are a couple of jets that just happen to be in the towns where Palin is signing her books and from which she and her entourage disembark and are whisked back upon that fancy trailer away from home and driven the couple miles or so to the next signing.

In case you haven’t heard, one of the jets she flew into Asheville, NC for her Sunday-go-to-prayer-and-political-strategy-meetin’ with the Reverend Billy Graham and his son, Franklin Graham, is owned by none other than the organization known as Samaritan’s Purse. Who, you ask? Oh, that would be one of the charitable organizations owned by the Graham family. That organization actually owns 4 planes and one of them just happens to be a Beech 300 with the N-Number N262SP. Yep, the one that got Sarah to dinner on time in Asheville.

Now, the reason we mentioned this is, do the good folks who are giving their money to this charitable organization know that their dollars are being spent to fly the Palin party in style? Straight from the Samaritan’s Purse web page that discusses Financial Accountability, we find this:

“Because the Lord supplies us with resources for ministry through individual contributions, we recognize our accountability both to Him and to our donors. We have a responsibility to be faithful stewards and to maintain integrity and openness in our financial practices. Therefore, we are committed to fulfilling the following standards…Our fund-raising appeals clearly identify the purpose and programs to which donations will be applied, and we ensure that donations are used for the purposes for which they were raised…Occasionally, we receive more contributions for a given project than can be wisely applied to that project. When that happens, we use these funds to meet a similar pressing need. Our policy is to meet the needs God lays before us, so that Christ is lifted up and the Gospel advanced.”

Can we assume that some project received way more money than necessary and it was deemed that the funds were used on the pressing need of not only lifting Christ up, but also lifting Ms. Palin and her entourage up to and from dinner at the Graham abode, because without her presence, the Gospel could not be as advanced as they would like? But if the Graham family doesn’t have a problem with accountability, why then did Franklin Graham have the flight activity for the plane blocked in the FAA records? Hmm? I’m gonna give credit where credit is due on this one. A reader of the Celtic Diva’s Blue Oasis Blog out of Alaska found the jet information after viewing a video of Palin touching down in Asheville, NC. If you go to that website, you’ll see the video and his comments.

Oh, one other thought. If Ms. Palin thought it was too extravagant to have a private jet while Governor of Alaska (remember, she made one heck of a scene out of how she was selling that darned awful jet on E-bay so that she wouldn’t look like a spendthrift), what, pray tell, changed her mind this time around? Is all that attention and fame going to her head as it would many? Nothing to be ashamed of, but at some point in time, she’s gonna have to change her “down-to-earth, homespun” façade to catch up to the new, improved hoity-toity Sarah Palin who thinks it’s ok to leave approximately 300 book buyers, who stood out in the cold for as long as 7 hours in Noblesville, Indiana, high and dry because she just couldn’t sign any more books. It ain’t no big deal, right? To her defense, she did apologize…a day later after the damage had been done. You never disappoint, Sarah.

Michaele Salahi and Ann Coulter are Sisters

A junior reporter for the bi-monthly socialite newspaper, Washington Society News, while doing research on the backgrounds of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, has uncovered a most interesting fact. Michaele Salahi and syndicated columnist Ann Coulter may be sisters. Born Michelle Ann Holt, it is believed that Michaele and Ann may share the same mother.

While Ann Coulter is vehemently denying this rumor saying that everyone should know that no sister of hers would ever want to rub elbows with a bunch of Democrats, Michaele and Tareq are happy to finally have this news out in the open. “Ok, you got us again,” said Michaele. “We just can’t keep anything a secret can we?”

Once the information was leaked, it is reported that the Salahis contacted Ann Coulter, offering to go away quietly if she would pay them a six figure amount. “Look, we’ve been shopping our White House story all around town and it can’t last forever. We need to think of our futures and although blood is thicker than money, we just can’t pass up these opportunities when they present themselves,” said Tareq.

Asked if they have proof of the fact that Ann is Michaele’s sister, Michaele began digging in her purse telling the reporter, “yeah, I have a birth certificate right here,” but couldn’t seem to produce it.

Meanwhile, officials at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom have denied rumors that Michaele and Taraq posed as guests of honor, Minnie and Mickey Mouse, two weeks ago during Walt Disney’s Parade of Dreams, but an unidentified employee confirms that they, in fact, did pull a fast one at Disney and when discovered, were quickly escorted out of the Magic Kingdom.