Sarah Palin Becomes Climate Change Expert at Fox News

News has broken that Fox News has taken the plunge(errr) and has hired Sarah Palin as a contributor to take on some of the most controversial issues of our time, including climate change. Satirists and comedians were said to be partying into the wee hours of the night in anticipation of “the perfect storm,” i.e. Palin, Fox News and climate change coming together all in one place, and can’t wait for Sarah’s opening performance.

So what makes Sarah such an expert on say, climate change, you ask? Ok stay with me on this one. In case you haven’t heard, she is from Wasilla, Alaska and of course, by now you know that you can freakin’ see Russia from her house. But what’s that got to do with climate change you ask? Let me finish. Russia has a huge “Alaska” all its own called Siberia and from all accounts, Siberia is one cold and desolate place. Yeah, but Russia has always been cold, you say smugishly self-assured.

Well, don’t you find it freaky that Florida had a cold snap this month? And lots of Florida farmers are redneck conservatives? Good ole’ boys? Sorry not connecting the dots. I can see where lumping Alaska in with Siberia isn’t such a far out concept, especially since, a long, long time ago, they actually were connected by, I think, the natural bridge to nowhere, you interject with a modicum of doubt.

But what does Siberia have to do with tropical Florida? Well, I’m gonna tell you. It’s said that it is difficult even today to get good fruits and vegetables in Russia and with the latest crop failures in Florida, the same can be said for America, can’t it? Maybe? Just say yes so we can move on.

Sarah Palin is getting bolder and bolder and, little by little, she is showing her true colors as a teabagger, distancing herself further and further from the conservative party, not unlike the distance from say Alaska to Florida. It’s pretty much been established that tea baggers are hell bent (no pun intended) on making sure the public knows that there is no global warming and that this recent cold snap, in fact, is the beginning of a mini ice age, not part of a slow warming trend where we’ll see increasing temperatures over the next few decades (kinda like the warm up we’re seeing right now in Florida).

So, what this all means is, with ice and snow all the way down in Florida, albeit for only a couple days, not only are there going to be some pissed off conservative farmers who are going to have a cold snap thrown in their faces on a regular basis by a turncoat when they turn on the only news channel they feel they can trust for fair and balanced reporting, but crop failures are sure to hit America in epic proportions if subsidy payments aren’t made on time. Therefore, doesn’t it make sense that a teabagger with ice and snow experience should be on tap to create more controversy and discuss ice and snow in the news, and throw in a sprinkling of how taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for farm crop failures? I know that I, for one, would tune in just to see O’Reilly’s head spinning.

Some say Rupert Murdoch is dumb, yeah, dumb as a Fox.

Randy Jackson Packing Duct Tape for American Idol Shows

Trouble on the American Idol set already? It’s rumored that Randy Jackson let slip a little secret. He had asked his lawyers to add rolls of duct tape to the usual list of things in his contract he’d need while sitting in on some of the worst singing of his life. He also asked for specially designed ear wires that work to take away distracting background noise so that he could focus on the task at hand.

But if you think he was asking for these things because he’s had enough of the mediocre and sometimes just downright awful singing of hundreds of thousands of hopefuls who show up to audition for the hottest music talent search show in the world, you’d be wrong.

Sources close to Jackson admit that he had threatened to use the duct tape on Ellen when she started her “humming along” and “hours-long comedy routines” that he believed would not only be highly distracting, but would drive him nuts. At the time, Jackson was worried that he might lose it and he just couldn’t take a chance of ruining his career by throttling the throat of one of the most beloved personalities on live television. The duct taping, he said, would send a subtle but necessary message. Just one long piece over Degeneres’ mouth and the show could go on with Jackson’s sanity in check.

Jackson doesn’t like Ellen DeGeneres. Wait, let’s qualify that. According to Jackson’s spokesperson, “Randy likes Ellen DeGeneres as a person. He’s cool with her; it’s just when she goes on and on and on and on and can’t seem to control that incessant chatter that drives him up a frickkin’ wall. Randy is a bit miffed that they are taking a non-professional—in the sense that yeah, Ellen can appreciate music, but she can’t sing and as for dancing, well, it’s the same thing over and over and over and over. You get the gist of it. Ellen just takes it a little too far in everything she does.”

But why duct tape? Why not a gag? Something designer that would do the job but still make a fashion statement for the happy little imp? Evidently, Ellen has had this problem before and gags just don’t work on her. She manages to get words, albeit unintelligible words, out of her mouth by somehow throwing her voice from her throat. “It’s the damndest thing we’ve ever seen” said Jackson’s assistant. “Duct tape muffles everything DeGeneres says and words just don’t seem to be able to get out of her mouth as easily. Oh, don’t get me wrong, we figured when she was bound like that, she’d still be able to use her body language to distract Randy, but little by little, the little imp would wear herself out and about halfway through each taping, she would pretty much be spent.”

So far though, Jackson hasn’t used the tape. It’s still there in his dressing room and word has it that there are bets being taken around the set as to the exact time when Randy will ultimately decide he’s had enough and finally put the tape to good use. Whoever guesses the show date and time correctly is supposedly going to take home a lot of dough.

To give Ellen a chance to respond, we tracked her down backstage at her Ellen Degeneres Show to find out what she thought of Jackson’s request for duct tape at every taping of American Idol, and she just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed (with lots of emphasis on the “laughed”).

Leading Eyeglass Lens Manufacturer Offering 3-D Bi-Focals

HOLA International, a leading eyeglass lens manufacturer, has developed a line of bi-focals that allow the wearer to watch 3-D movies and television without the need for additional glasses. The company has also come up contact lenses that can be worn only for viewing this type of technology. The lenses come in regular and prescription strengths.

Said a HOLA International company spokesperson, “with the recent technological breakthroughs in broadcasting in 3-D, we wanted to be the first company to offer a stylish alternative to viewers instead of the geeky paper and plastic versions now being sold at movie theaters. Our 3-D glasses will revolutionize the industry and make it cheaper for most to go to the movies because they won’t be charged $3 to $5 extra for a pair of cheap, throwaway 3-D glasses. In addition, with 3-D TV coming into homes, it will be essential to have a pair of glasses or lenses that will last for more than 2 or 3 viewings.”

In addition, HOLA is pairing with ZEBRA Vision, manufacturer of distinctly different contact lenses, to offer a “Way Out There” collection of 3-D contact lenses, including the “8 ball”, “Eyes that Follow You”, “Hellfire”, “Dead Eye,” “Lizard Alien”, and “Vampire Red” models which will allow the wearer to watch their favorite 3-D shows in character.

Wal-Mart and LensCrafters are expected to have the first of this kind of 3-D glasses and lenses in stores by June of this year, just in time for another round of 3-D blockbuster summer hits in theaters across America.

Paliens Infiltrate Sarah Palin’s Events with Little Notice

Little is known about the group calling itself “Paliens” but sources have indicated that they are a group of clairvoyants who are secretly infiltrating Sarah Palin events and using their supernatural powers to alter the intelligence of Palin herself. It is believed that the Paliens are part of a larger, more universal group that goes by the name of “Libertaliens.”

So highly evolved are the Paliens’ thought patterns that they are able to not only sneak past security at all of Palin’s speaking engagements around the world, but they are also able to send silent signals to Palin, herself, willing her to misspeak and create controversy in order to singlehandedly bring down the Republican Party and cause a new, more powerful political party to rise up, driven by those intent on taking their country back from the existing government.

Some say that this is becoming a reality as the party whose beliefs and ideology most closely resembles this vision, the Libertarians, are becoming increasingly stronger on the political scene, managing to snap up the many inconsequential political posts in small-town elections, such as comptrollers, commissioners, and court clerks, with the belief that these posts will lead them to control the towns as constables and mayors, and eventually lead to one of the strongest candidates becoming President of the United States.

Disguising themselves in the colors of the aurora borealis, Paliens appear to be like anyone else in attendance at the various Palin book signing events and other Palin speaking engagements, and in fact, may look strikingly similar to your friends or neighbors. But upon closer look, you notice the glazed look in their eyes and the fervent nature of their speech which are both supposedly dead giveaways.

No one yet has had the courage to ask the person next to them if they are, in fact a Palien because of the powerful dread that overcomes them when seated next to one. “I swear I was sitting next to a Palien over in Point Lookout, MO when Sarah Palin spoke at the College of the Ozarks.” The reason I think this is because the man kept referring to Sarah as the great ‘Miss Communicator’ and when I corrected him to say that Sarah did not miscommunicate anything, he replied ‘no, I mean Miss Communicator’ as in ‘Miss Missouri’, ‘Miss America’, indeed ‘Miss Universe.’ He said it just like that. It was eerie. I started to believe everything he and Sarah Palin said with such conviction.”

So why Sarah Palin and why now? The only conclusion we can come up with is that ever since the Libertalien sub-group known as the “Qualiens” botched its attempt to bring down the Republican Party during George H.W. Bush’s campaign for President in 1988, by dumbing down the responses made by Dan Quayle at various media events, the Libertaliens have been looking for another candidate capable of carrying out their vision of putting a Libertalien in the White House.

The Paliens have come back stronger this time as is evident in the way that the Republican Party is trying to distance itself from Sarah Palin, but at the same time, many conservative politicians are drawn to her when seeking endorsements for upcoming senate races. Many of these conservative politicians have secretly mentioned a repulsion they have for knowing that they must ask Palin for her endorsement. For instance, Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) (no relation to Star Trek’s Captain James T. Kirk that we know of), in November of 2009, felt an overwhelming urge to ask for Sarah Palin’s endorsement for his upcoming senate run in 2010.

It is supposedly believed by the Paliens that the more conservative political careers Palin can destroy, the more Libertarian-like candidates can step up to the plate and actually attempt a take-back of the United States government. In fact, it is possible that the very person these Paliens are channeling through, Sarah Palin, may be their ultimate choice to rule their new Republic come 2012, as it is becoming increasingly evident that Miss Communicator is starting to believe the rhetoric the Paliens are willing her to recite.

Fox News Signs Bristol Palin as Jr. Political Correspondent

Following the heels of her famous mother, Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin has reportedly been offered a Jr. Political Correspondent position at Fox News for an undisclosed salary.

Fox News would not confirm or deny the news, but instead offered this statement, “until we can confirm or deny this news, we cannot confirm or deny that Bristol Palin will be joining our news team as a Jr. Political Correspondent for the sole purpose of reporting on her mother, Sarah Palin’s, unconfirmed run for President in 2012.”

Mark of the Beast “666” Encoded on Holiday Gift Cards

A record number of Christians have been flooding their local Wal-Mart stores and asking for replacements for the gift cards they received for Christmas due to the fact that they claim the mark of the beast “666” has been encoded within the card.

Although the card numbers themselves do not contain the number 666, customers have complained that when they go to Wal-Mart intending to use the cards to purchase items, their purchases almost always total out to either $6.66, $66.66 or for larger purchases $666 and change.

Word among churches has spread like wildfire and Christians are afraid to use their cards for fear that their purchases will ring up to the dreaded 666 number and they will face retribution in these end times. “It is scary how many people are coming up to me and telling me that they’ve gotten purchases rung up that total $6.66 or $66.66,” said Rev. James “Gimmy” Moore of the Last Church of the Redemption in Trimble, MO. “Sometimes it happens when folks are just paying cash too, which baffles us. We are thinking that this thing is much bigger than just gift cards, and may go to the very heart of Wal-Mart’s computer systems.”

Yonna Nealdown claims that she’s also seen the phenomenon in the price tags attached to women's clothing being sold at Wal-Mart. According to Yonna, “I was looking at tags in the ladies’ lingerie section and found a batch of very provocative lacy bras which were all encoded with the number 5546664532, 5546664533, 5546664534, etc. I wrote those numbers down because (1) when I looked at the plain cotton bras in the section, none of them had numbers with 666 in them; and (2) I remembered hearing something about the 666 number being attached to items that were associated with the devil’s work.”

Yonna then went to her local Target to check the tags in their lingerie department and none of them bore the mark of the beast. “This really proves it to me,” said Yonna, “that Satan is working through Wal-Mart and unless they start listening to their Christian customers, there is going to be hell to pay. I’ll definitely have something to talk about in church come Sunday morning.”

To follow up on this story, we decided to make a visit to Wal-Mart’s headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas to find out if they were intentionally encoding their products to ring up to any number of 666 totals but were told that we would not be granted an interview on such a bogus claim. So there you have it. Not only is Wal-Mart encoding their computers to pay homage to the beast himself, but they refuse to acknowledge or deny these rumors when given the chance.

Jeff Bridges a Practicing Wiccan?

Most people know actor Jeff Bridges best for his starring role in the movie “The Big Lebowski” where he played a pot-smoking loser known as “The Dude.” Until recently, his private life has been very private. In fact, the only thing up until now that most people knew about the award-winning actor is that he’s been married to the same woman for over 30 years, is father of three children, and is the son of actor Lloyd Bridges. Oh, and he is an advocate for the legalization of marijuana.

But looks can be deceiving. For the past 12 years, Bridges and his wife have been practicing a new form of Wicca, which incorporates the smoking of medical marijuana in its rituals. In fact, Bridges is considered a Wiccan Priest going by the name of Rev. Jeb Xenith. According to a fellow Wiccan practitioner, asking to remain anonymous, “Rev. Xenith is one of the most faithful members in our coven and we are blessed to have him as a leader. His strong belief in overcoming obstacles laid before us by our fellow man is a testament to his unfettered love of Mother Gaia (Earth). He is definitely the most laid back person I know.”

We were unable to secure an interview with Bridges to discuss his involvement with the New Wiccan Church of SoCal, but we’ll continue to monitor the story as it unfolds. It is rumored that actor and director Seth Rogan belongs to the same coven and this too will be followed up with more information being reported as we uncover it.