Liz Cheney Calls Rachel Maddow “Hot”

This week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) got underway in Washington, DC and there were no real surprises in front of the cameras, save for that magical moment when Dick Cheney appeared out of nowhere to chants of “Run, Dick, Run.”

But behind the cameras, there was pawlenty going on. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was on hand to cover the conference and word has it that when she and Liz Cheney were introduced outside the hotel they were both staying in, they unexpectedly embraced for what some say was more than just a polite “how do you do.”

After Maddow and friends moved on, Cheney was rumored to have said “Wow, that Rachel Maddow is really hot in person. If I were my sister, I may not have been able to control myself.” Liz, of course, was speaking about her sister, Mary, who is openly gay.

When told about Cheney’s comment, Maddow reportedly replied, “wow, really? Liz? Liz Cheney? Gosh, I don’t know whether to be flattered by that or extremely repulsed.”

How California Grown-ups Play Cops and Robbers

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband.

The original story by the Associated Press was kind of misleading in that they reported that “about 100 armed members of a group…” when in actuality, none of the members were really armed in the true sense of being armed. They had their guns with them alright, but none of the guns were loaded and each had to have the gun checked by police officers before entering the restaurant. So armed? Not so much.

You see, according to California law, you can openly display a weapon, but it can’t be loaded. Kinda like little Timmy can walk down the street with a toy squirt gun that looks exactly like a German Luger, but Timmy can load his with water instead of bullets. Now it all makes sense doesn’t it?

We later met up with a few of the group members who were again “packing” that we spotted outdoors having a slushee at the local Tastee Freeze and they agreed to talk to us about what happened a few Saturdays ago at the other restaurant. Joseph Eena, the group’s self-proclaimed leader told us, “Here’s what went down that day. It was just a trial run. We were just showing people how, if you were to have real bullets in your gun, you could walk into a public place and if you see anyone suspicious, you could feel safe in knowing that you could use your gun if you had bullets in it…I know what you’re thinking, what’s the use of having a gun if you can’t shoot it at someone? But honestly, this is just the first step. Once we prove to everyone that we can control ourselves, the cops said they’d give us back our bullets.”

One member, Pat Siefert, who was wearing a western-style holster with what appeared to be a cap gun in it, finally admitted that he couldn’t get the clip out of his semi-automatic pistol and instead of showing up without a gun at the Tastee Freeze—he’d missed the other protest because of the same problem-- decided to try and get away with the toy gun getup. “Had I just stuck the damned pistol into the back of my pants, instead of going all ‘Western,’ I might have pulled it off. The guys had a pretty good laugh about it, and I’ll be sure and get that gun fixed before the next meet-up.”

Probably shouldn’t bother Pat, because just like your real gun that doesn’t work, carrying and showing off unloaded weapons may make you feel safe, but say, just for yuks, that there are a few criminals out there who read the newspapers and now know that the safest place to hold up thanks to you and your pals is a California Starbucks because it is loaded (no pun intended) with a bunch of guys sitting there drinking their lattes and chatting about their 2nd Amendment rights when none of them has two bullets to rub between them. But then again, you could always hone up on your pistol-whipping skills.

Toilet Paper Nation (TPN)--Youngest Grassroots Party to Take on Washington

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political party calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America.  The party, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.”

In an interview today on the Jeff Gray Morning Show on Butte radio station KMBR, Toilet Paper Nation organizer, Hugh R. Cuttinem, 17, explained why he and fellow Toilet Paperer, Nadine Gullberry, decided to start the Toilet Paper Nation. “About a year ago, a few of us Tea Party (TP) teenagers got together after attending a Tea Party rally with our folks, and started shooting the sh*t about how sick and tired we were of Washington flushing our parents’ tax dollars down the toilet, so to speak. We realized how the Tea Party just wasn’t well, our cup of tea. There were too many irregularities in what they stood for. That’s when Nadine said, ‘You know, every time I see TPN, I think Toilet Paper Nation, not Tea Party Nation. From then on, the puns started flowing and what originally started as a joke just gained momentum. We got back to school on Monday and told a few friends and by the end of the day, we had TP delegates in 14 states thanks to Twitter and Facebook. We now have delegates in just about every state.

Cuttinem claims that they are already looking at backing a couple of candidates who are thinking of running in this year’s state races and thinks they have a chance mainly due to their high moral fiber. The teens have been contacted by Joe the Plumber, who has indicated a real willingness to join the TP movement and run for office in Ohio. Just this past weekend, Joe gave a short statement to the press about his disenchantment with the Republican Party and John McCain in particular. He was quoted as saying “McCain was just using me as the face of middle America. He lied to me and he lied to America. I don’t owe him sh*t.” Said Cuttinem, “You see? Joe’s already using the lingo. He’s gonna be a great asset to our movement.”

Gullberry couldn’t agree with Joe more. “We’re the right party for him because we are flush with young, new ideas to turn this country around. We are all about the constitution, and Joe would make a perfect Senator. Just because we are sophomores in high school, doesn’t mean we can’t get involved in the electoral process. In fact, some of our classmates really like the idea. Instead of calling us nerds, we are now known around the country as ‘terds,’” she said proudly, "and soon, hopefully, Joe the Plumber is gonna be the biggest terd of all in Ohio.”

The only problem the group foresees right now is who their #1 and #2 candidates in the 2012 Presidential election should be. Cuttinem says that the old farts, like Dick Cheney, need not apply. “We’re looking more toward Glenn Beck as a possibility for the #1 terd spot, and there is a another guy who we have our eye on by the name of William M. ‘B.M.’ Daley, nephew of Chicago’s Mayor Daley, who is as fed up as us with the two-party system and is chomping at the bit to break from his family’s Democratic roots and run in a grassroots capacity for the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama and presently held by Roland Burris, who won’t be running for re-election.”

Grey asked Cuttinem if all the “toilet humor” will wear a bit thin toward election time, ruining their chances of being taken seriously. Cuttinem replied, “[N]ope, young voters relate really well to us and at the same time, we’re being taken just as serious as everyone else who wants to do their business in Washington. The double entendre will serve us well in the upcoming races. It is what people remember about us, and in politics, that’s the only way to roll when building a strong movement.”

Might Tiger Woods Be Suffering from Performance Anxiety?

It was reported that the Friday deadline at 5 p.m. to sign up for next week’s Accenture Match Play golf event was another World Golf Championship event missed by Tiger Woods. It’s reported that he missed the entry deadline for the Dove Mountain event beginning this week as well.

This leads many to wonder if Tiger is suffering from Performance Anxiety. Thoughts of “Will I come out on top again?” “How will I measure up this time out?” and “Can I go the distance or peter out early?” may be running around in Tiger’s head. All we can tell him is that eventually, he’s gonna have to get back on that filly and ride, no matter how painful it might be for him. It just has to be done if he’s gonna get back into the game and make a go again of doing what Tiger Woods does best--play a round.

New Study Proves Americans are Highly Pissed Off

A British team of doctors recently developed a color wheel that they say can be used to determine if mood affects color choice. The wheel, known as the “Manchester Color Wheel” (they obviously were spent after the research and could only muster a rather generic name for their invention), is comprised of a spectrum of colors on a wheel, and subjects were asked to point to the color that best described their mood. The study group consisted of 300 healthy subjects and around 220 subjects suffering from some type of anxiety or depression.

MANCHESTER COLOR WHEEL

Three questions were asked of the subjects, i.e. (1) which color they were most drawn to; (2) what was their favorite color; and (3) if there was a particular color that described their current mood.

The results showed that while a majority of both groups chose yellow as the color they were most drawn to, most everyone also chose a shade of blue as their favorite color. But when asked what color reflected their present mood, the healthy participants chose a shade of yellow, while the depressed group chose a shade of gray.

Following on the heels of this experiment, a group of American doctors attempted to use the Manchester Color Wheel theory on a group of Americans who were neither diagnosed with depression nor normal to see what their moods were when asked 4 key questions about (1) the economy; (2) health care (3) Obama’s stimulus package; and (4) corporate bailouts and bonuses.

“Talk about opening a can of worms,” said researcher, Dennis Rorschach. “Who knew how riled up Americans were about their present situation. I mean, we had grandmothers so tense that we had to pry their fists from the special button presser thingie, because they just were outraged at how their lives had taken such a turn for the worse. We had to literally lie to them and tell them that the results would produce a system whereby they would get the benefits they had been promised if they would just turn loose of the buzzers. It was bizarre, to say the least.”

And it was the same for just about everyone across the board, from school teachers to machinists to out-of-work janitors, the results were the same. In fact, the only group that didn’t even show up on the chart because they were so far from norm were the bankers, insurance brokers and financial wizards, who, for reasons unknown, were unable to participate in the survey.

While the American “Mood-o-Meter” only showed shades of gray and red, the results were decidedly quite a bit more colorful than those attained by the British team. Find the American results below:

 MOOD-o-METER

Hollywood Caught in Weird Juxtaposition Thanks To OpenCarry Movement

Hollywood, CA – If there is one thing you can say about the folks in Hollywood, it is the fact that they never miss an opportunity to capitalize on a new trend, even if it sometimes goes against everything they believe in.

Case in point. With radical fringe political groups taking center stage espousing their God-given rights to liberty from paying federal taxes and freedom to carry a weapon anyplace they darned well please, it just stands to reason that those folks are going to expect entertainment that they can relate to, i.e. movies about outlaws and guns. And who better to give it to them than the left-leaning liberals of Hollywood, right? I said right?

News just in: Remakes of the old favorite western television series Big Valley and Gunsmoke are set to hit the big screen soon and talk is that some of the most pro-active liberals on the Hollywood scene are being considered for the lead roles. So far, Susan Sarandon is on tap to play the lead role in Big Valley, and Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds may just have to have a shootout to determine which one of them will be the new Marshall Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke.

Makes us wonder why folks like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris aren’t playing Matt Dillon and Bo Derek or Heather Locklear aren’t chomping at the bit to play the lead role in Big Valley, all of whom are reportedly on the side of the conservatives.

I mean, do you really think a die-hard Sarah Palin fan is going to go see a western with Susan Sarandon in the lead role? Or that anyone who idolizes Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would ever consider a Liberal Marshall Matt Dillon? Hell no. That’s like re-making the Rifleman with Woody Harrelson as the lead.

Hollywood has always been good at make-believe but with the political climate as it stands today, they are going to have to ramp it up a notch or two to serve up the unbelievable. We’re talking left-wing liberal actors and actresses who will need to be so good at their art that they can even get a far right-wing, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, revolutionary to cough up $15 bucks to sit through two hours of their best interpretations of Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty.

It won’t be an easy feat, but then again, Hollywood doesn’t have too many other options because Clint Eastwood is getting up there in years, Mel Gibson has taken the happy train to Crazytown, and Kelsey Grammar, well, best he could probably deliver is a mediocre Doc Holliday.

Open Carry Movement Gets Makeover on Project Runway

Taking their cue from the recent headlines that a group of gun rights activists calling itself the “Open Carry Movement” are flexing their God-given Constitutional right to enter public places with their firearms proudly displayed, the producers of Project Runway thought it would be fun to take ten members, male and female, and give them a new look that will allow them to coordinate their semi-automatic pistols and other firearms with the latest fashions of the season.

Said an assistant producer for the show, “We’ve been watching the movement, especially at the Tea Party get togethers and the Town Hall Meetings, and the Paul Revere getups and tea bag hat designs are just so Halloween, so unimaginative, so gauche. If these people want to fit in with the stereotypical Starbuck’s clientele, they are going to need some serious makeovers. So we thought, hey, what better way to help them transition into a more trendy ‘fun-totin’ look than to give them a makeover so that they can show off their guns and fit in at the same time.”

The show is not without controversy, however, in that one of the contestants flat out refused to produce an outfit with a main component being some type of holster, be it shoulder, hip, thigh or ankle, stating “for some gun-toting Bubba to wear to a Starbucks? No thank you—suh-nap.” The contestant bowed out of the competition knowing that he faced elimination, but is reportedly happy that he stood up for his principles.

“You can dress them up and make them look all pretty, but at the end of the day, they’re still guns and to me, guns are ugly, ugly things,” he said, sobbing, as he grabbed his overnight bag and ran from the building.

The remaining contestants, however, welcomed the challenge and came up with some very interesting outfits, including one contestant who called her version of the hip holster dress the “I Got Your Gun Right Here, Annie.”

The models seemed to enjoy themselves as well, although one guy named Cletus “Beau” Brummel wasn’t too fond of the outfit one of the contestants made for him. “I know I’m supposed to go along with the program and all,” said Beau,” but these plaid Bermuda shorts and, what the hell do you call this hat, a fedora? Hell, I look like a fruit. No offense to all you all designers over there,” he added.

The outfit that came closest to being all about turning a truck-stop waitress into a latte-sipping hipster at Starbucks was a little number called the “Cappucino Capri Hipster Holster.” Model Shirlene Farlow was just beside herself with the number. “I jes was havin’ such a hard time carrying my gun in the back of my jeans on account of I have such a wide backside and the gun jes kept getting caught in my thong, but now, the focus on the gun farther down my leg makes all the diff’rence in the world. And the gun is still within reach if I ever need to use it while out having a ‘double-shot expresso’ (no pun intended) with the girls after shopping at the Safe-T-Way.”

Project Runway would not give a specific time for the episode to run, but believes it should be sometime in April, 2010, in plenty of time for the models to gather all their friends around at the local Starbucks to watch the show, drink a few lattes, and shoot the breeze.