Emmy Nod Goes to Kate Gosselin for Inside Edition Interview

Los Angeles, CA – It may be too soon to speculate, but rumors have it that Kate Gosselin may just take home a Primetime Emmy this fall for her recently spectacular performance on Inside Edition where she convincingly told her interviewer that she missed being a part of her own family.

“The tears were real,” claims Shoshone Wyatt, the interviewer privileged to sit down with Kate and ask the hard questions. “Honest to God, not a drop of glycerin was used to garner that tender moment when Kate swore up and down that she truly would rather be back home with her kids in Pennsylvania than wearing expensive gowns and basking in the posh glow of Los Angeles.”

Many are asking why Kate puts up with having to work so hard to provide for her children. The long hours, the dancing, which she obviously hates (one can feel her pain with every cha-cha step she takes), and the interviews, the relentless questions, the fame, being in front of the cameras non-stop. Why does she do it? “I love my kids,” claims Kate. “Sure, I could quit it all today, sell my house, downsize, get a day job close to home, maybe even give up manicures and pedicures to cut corners, but would that make my life any better? I think we all know the answer to that question.”

So on poor Kate goes, to the next interview, the next lunch or dinner at some fabulous dining spot in Beverly Hills, all the while worrying about being away from her kids, wondering if the nannies are feeding them their mac and cheese and boloney sandwiches on time and getting them ready for bed at a decent hour. It is all so tragic, yet all so necessary.

“Yes,” says Kate, “hopefully, the harder I work, the more my kids will come to understand the sacrifices we’re all making to live a better life.” And the award goes to—Kate Gosselin.

Detroit to be Bulldozed and Re-Built as World’s Largest

Detroit, MI – In what was hailed as an extreme but necessary move by the Mayor of Detroit, work has begun in planning the total destruction and re-building of Detroit, this time as a shopping mall, not a city. All 143 square miles of the city will be leveled and work will begin early this fall on the mall, tentatively named the “Motown Mega Mall.”

“We are really excited to finally have a solid future mapped out for our great city,” exclaimed Mayor Dave Bing. “For years we’ve been floundering and the troubles of the city have taken it over. I was elated when a group of businessmen from Goldman Sachs approached us and offered to buy the entire city for almost a quarter what it was worth. It was a great deal.”

When asked what will happen to the million or so hold-out residents who still call Detroit home, a Goldman Sachs spokesperson had this to say, “Oh, we’re just buying the inner city, not the entire Detroit metro area. Those living in the area to be razed will either need to move to outlying areas and stick it out until the thousands of minimum-wage mall jobs become available, or move onto other troubled cities like Chicago and NY, I guess.”

Said the mastermind behind the mall, Dave Munny, founder of I. Gotz Munny, “We have big plans for saving Motown. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however way you look at it, we can’t be everything to everyone. Honestly, when these folks see there are real stores like Abercrombie & Fitch and Macy’s and Saks selling real expensive and nice stuff on the very soil where they once barely made a life for themselves, I think they’ll honestly thank us for making the city lighter and brighter. I also think that if they eventually find jobs, they’ll be able to come home to shop. That is our biggest hope--that folks will come back to Detroit in droves—to shop.”

Plans for the Motown Mega Mall include a 45 square mile new car auto mall adjacent to the shopping mall where all makes and models of GM and Ford cars will be sold. Said Munny, “we thought it appropriate to have a car lot on the site as a reminder to the great citizens of Detroit of what this city once stood for. It’s the least we could do.”

Gays Not Allowed to Pray in Wisconsin

Milwaukee, WI – A Wisconsin District Court Judge appropriately named Crabb has ruled that there will be no praying on National Prayer Day unless it is done in private. “Whether you are an atheist or a true believer, a heterosexual or a homosexual, a Republican or a Democrat, a man or a woman, you cannot pray in Wisconsin on this day,” said the ruling handed down by Crabb.

“Oh right,” said Herbert Whilmly of the local Gay and Lesbian Rights Foundation of Milwaukee, “just because we are homosexual, the Judge has to single us out. This is just so typical. We are still fighting for our rights, even when the President hands them to us on a silver platter, like he did the other day by allowing us to finally be bedside with the one we love at the hospital of our choosing. It is just so typical.”

Rights in America these days it seems are something Americans want and when they are handed them, seem to be lacking just the specificity expected by the groups wanting them. It’s kinda like the lovely carnelian red couch you’ve been jonesing for for months finally arrives and it turns out to be burgundy. There is just something missing.

“We were planning on praying on National Prayer Day,” said Stacey Williams of neighboring Minnesota, “but now with Wisconsin’s ruling, we aren’t sure if we can get together or not. The government seems to have their hand in everything these days. I just hope we’re still allowed to pray on Sunday, cause I really like praying, you know?”

Jesus Upstaged in Easter Mass by Cardinal Defending Pope

For the first time in Roman Catholic history, Easter Mass was not about Jesus’ resurrection but about the Pope being a great leader of the Catholic Church in spite of many claims of sexual abuse by priests all over the world and the Pope’s inefficient handling of the scandal.

Said one cardinal, “sometimes it’s about more than Jesus. It’s about how the Church can handle a scandal and this Pope is doing a great job of it.” People there to hear a message of how Jesus died on the cross for their sins, were first treated to cries of “Benny, Benny, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can.”

Said one of the faithful in attendance, “thank goodness we have clergy who can turn the bleak into the positive and get us believing in the Church again. Finally, a day where we weren’t reminded of how awfully some of our priests have behaved towards the young, but how great our Pope is and how much we owe to his ability to keep the Church from falling into disharmony. Long live Pope Benedict!”

The cardinals in attendance were in agreement. “Easter could not have come at a better time, when people are in the mood to forgive just like Jesus died to have our sins forgiven. Absolutely perfect, perfect timing,” said one.

Palin has Done Pissed Off Obama Good This Time

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today that he is ready to open up some drilling off the coasts of the United States.

However, Alaska’s Bristol Bay, named after Palin’s daughter, Bristol (hah, just making that part up), won’t be part of the plan, nor will other new areas of Alaska’s northern coastline be opened up for future drilling.

Said an Obama spokesperson, “Plain and simple, don’t piss off Obama. He is the President with presidential powers. Whoever doesn’t get that message is going to be in for quite a rude awakening.”

In other presidential news, President Obama has decided to close the Grand Canyon National Park until further notice due to his distaste for Sen. John McCain buddying up to “that Palin woman.”

Obama’s strategy seems to be that if he chokes the lifeblood out of the states that Palin is associated with, the people will finally relent and call for Sarah Palin to stand down.

Seems Mr. Obama was listening pretty well the day his momma told him, “son, don’t get mad, get even.”

Pope Spends Holy Weekend Fending Off Hostile Takeover of Church

A large group of German, American and Irish former altar boys, who have become rich by settling their long-standing claims of sexual abuse by members of the Catholic Church clergy, have pooled their money and asked the World Bank to back them in a bid to buy the Catholic Church.

Going by the name of GAI, the group claims, among other things, that if it were not for the abuse suffered at the hands of their beloved priests while in their formative sexual years, they would not have turned out the way they are now, i.e. most are closeted homosexuals fearful of going out into public and further spreading their gayness to other males.

The members of GAI truly believe they have been cursed with an affliction not unlike that of the lepers. They believe that if they buy the Church, keep it closed only to existing homosexuals, and not allow any new altar boys to become victims of Catholic clergy members who are lying in wait to prey on them, then the generational cycle of abuse will finally end. The existing pedophiles will simply have to make do with their circumstances and the abhorrent priests will eventually be left to feed off each other until they finally perish or go blind, whichever comes first.

Said one GAI member, “although we cannot save ourselves, we plan on cutting off the priests’ never-ending supply of fresh boys forever in an effort to put an end to this centuries-old cycle of abuse. Only then can the Catholic Church get back to the business of selling religion to the masses. It may take a few generations to get the Church back in working order. In the meantime, parishioners will have to find some other religion to fill their needs. Perhaps the Episcopalians would be generous enough to take them into their fold.”

Said one high-ranking American Catholic cardinal from Wisconsin when told of this plan, “We do not know what to make of this. I mean, what in the world could have made them think this? Sure, having a homosexual experience at an early age may confuse a young boy. I know in my case, I was extremely confused. But to say that it is an affliction? I don’t feel afflicted. Maybe conflicted, but certainly not afflicted.”

California District Court Ruling Clears Way for Satire-fueled Lawsuits

In what was hailed as a landmark decision, the US District Court for the Central District of California, Los Angeles, decided in the case of Shatner vs. Buttick, that the use of satire is a form of assault that can cause immeasurable harm to an entertainer’s psyche, and as such, satirists can now be sued not only for libel but assault as well.

The original lawsuit was filed by William Shatner against Zefron Buttick in Los Angeles Superior Court way back in 2004 when Shatner suffered extreme embarrassment and loss of employment due to Buttick’s series of stories attacking Shatner for everything from being a homosexual to accusing him of stealing other people’s writings for his spoken word albums. All of it was done under the guise of satire.

Celebrities in Los Angeles and all over the country were said to be elated with the ruling. Said Ricky Martin, “this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My only regret is that I should have waited to ward off the onslaught of negative press about my coming out instead of opting for going public and taking my knocks.”

Some celebrities, however, were upset to hear the news. Film star, Pauly Shore, is threatening to file his own lawsuit to have the Shatner suit overturned. Said Shore, “I’ve tried everything, including making a movie where I fake my own death, and nothing gets a rise out of anyone. With this recent ruling, I may as well just fake my own death again, cause this is sure to put the final nail in the coffin that houses my career.”

Meanwhile, satirists nationwide are scheduling meetings with their attorneys to figure out what they can do to side-step this ruling. Many are so used to making fun of things that they are satirizing the very Judges who ruled on the case, which might not be such a smart move in the grand scheme of things.