Financially Strapped Families Turning Kids Into Meal Tickets on Reality TV

What is it about opportunistic dads (and moms) who see their kids not so much as a mouth to feed but as a meal ticket out of poverty?

First there was Falcon Heene, the 6-year old boy whom his father, Richard Heene wanted everyone to believe was trapped in a mylar space ship floating perilously above the earth last October sometimes reaching heights of 7,000 feet. When the balloon touched ground hours later, there was no 6-year old aboard and what unfolded was a story of a family trying desperately to get their 15 minutes of fame and a television deal to solve some financial woes.

Laurence Sunderland of Thousand Oaks, California is the latest father to make the decision to put one of his children in harm’s way to make a few bucks in the reality show business. His daughter, 16-year old Abby Sunderland, was recently plucked from the Indian and is ok, thanks to some quick-thinking rescuers. But it could have turned out much worse. Stranded for three days in the rough waters of the Indian Ocean with no satellite phone and a broken sail mast, Abby came home to the news that the family was broke but she was gonna start earning her keep.

Some of the more fortunate kids are only forced onto shows like American Idol and America’s Got Talent to dance or sing their way to stardom, even if most of them can’t dance or sing. But at least it’s a helluva lot more honorable than making them lie or putting them directly in harm’s way and hoping all will work out in the end.

But what of the kids whose parents don’t seem to be wrapped too tight like the aforementioned dads? What’s next? Who’s to say Bubba Johnson, a snake handler from Holymoley, Alabama isn’t training his 6-year old son as we speak to follow in dad’s deadly religious ceremonies and, since the mortgage on the trailer is in foreclosure, striking a deal with TLC to document the whole wild Pentecostal ride for our viewing pleasure?

Or what if a dad decides he wants his 3-year old to become the first MMA toddler champ? Of course, we’d have to assume then that there are at least two knuckleheaded dads with the same idea, as it takes two to pull off this potentially deadly reality tango.

Just when we think there is no end in sight to how far a parent will go to capitalize on their child’s potential money-making talents, we see a Baby Gaga or a Baby Scarface school play to remind us that there are plenty of desperate adults out there with their thinking caps screwed on a bit too tightly.

Next time you hear sirens screaming down your neighborhood streets and you know that one of your neighbors has been having a rough go of it financially, go out there and take a look-see. You might just be the first one on your block to see firsthand how reality shows are really born. See, it starts with an egg and a lot of sperm, the sperm swims upstream to fertilize the egg, nine months later, etc. etc. etc.

President Obama Misses Asses and Falls Flat on His

Washington, D.C. – Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.

However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking.

Oh there was the occasional attempted kick of people like Tony Hayward whom he got close enough to kick, but as soon as he did, seems Hayward pulled away and down went Obama on his own ass.

“It’s quite fun to watch, actually,” said Hayward. “We love tough talk and even dish it out ourselves, but just like Lucy with Charlie Brown, we know the precise moment to move away from the situation and let it kick itself in the ass, and that is what is happening right now in the United States.”

Then, of course, there are the American regulators. But Obama found that they have a tendency to kick their own asses before they are brought up on charges of taking bribes from oil company executives. Elizabeth Birnbaum, for example, the former director of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, knew immediately as soon as the Horizon blew up how she was going to be held accountable and instead of jumping up and saying to the President, “kick my ass, sir” she scrambled away to what we assume is probably a lovely retreat somewhere in the Hamptons bought from oil money deals made under the watchful eye of no one.

This game of kick ass has actually provided some much needed comic relief to the British Petroleum Company who, before hearing Obama state he was looking for some ass to kick, was actually a bit frightened that they would somehow be held solely responsible for the worst oil spill in history “but now,” says an official spokesperson, “we are only about third in line after the American government goes after a few other ass targets that are a bit easier to hit like Transocean and Halliburton.”

In fact, BP is looking to find a company scapegoat to replace their loyal and treasured Tony Hayward; someone who is expendable and can “totally take the heat” of this disaster and still come out of it ok after a righteous ass-kicking by President Obama.

Paul McCartney Comment Prompts Look inside George W. Bush’s Library

Aside from a few die-hard Republicans who can’t bring themselves to believe that George W. Bush is not the sharpest tool in the shed, most people thought Paul McCartney’s joke regarding George Bush not knowing what a library is was pretty funny and saw nothing wrong with it.

But, to make a point, folks gathered at a Dallas office building to get a first-hand peek at some of the books George W. Bush has read and what books and documents will be included in his memorial library expected to be built in the years to come.

Among the finds was a complete collection of well-worn Dr. Seuss books. Jon Horton, caretaker of the books told the group, “George loves Dr. Seuss. He always thought that “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish secretly referred to the Republicans and the Democrats and in fact, that is how he kept them straight.”

Horton also claims that Dubya especially liked the story of the star-bellied Sneetches, claiming to be one of them. “Whenever he would go out in public, he would pretend to see Sneetches without stars on their bellies and purposefully ignore them. He never tired of that game,” said Horton.

Asked what else made up the library materials, Horton admitted that so far, the only things in it pertained to Seuss books and video materials. One video had a cover that was simply marked “Dick Cheney.” When asked what that video was about, Horton smiled. “Oh that. That is a copy of “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.”

Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass

New York, NY – Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill.

Most people claim it is BP who should get their asses whupped, but Obama is cautious. “Whup Ass is expensive, people. You can’t just open up the can and take the chance that all the air will leak out before we’re able to unleash that whup ass power. We have to make sure of two things when using whup ass (1) that we know who the target is; and (2) when the right time comes, we open that can and kick some serious ass right then and there. With whup ass, there’s no margin for error.”

Most people don’t realize the down side of using whup ass. Sure, it is effective when used properly, but say you use whup ass on someone who has lots of lawyers armed to the hilt with legal precedent that say if you ruin their reputation for instance and it turns out you’re wrong about their involvement in the oil spill, well, you not only waste an expensive can of whup ass, but you end up on the wrong side of a lawsuit.

Said Obama, “make no mistake, America, I will find out whose ass to kick and when I do, I won’t hesitate to open my can of whup ass. And on the off chance that there is more than one ass to kick, I’ve already got the procurement office looking into the cost of purchasing several more cans of whup ass just in case.”

Helen Thomas’ Attempt at Satire Backfires

Washington, D.C. – Fur continues to fly over what some claim are very divisive comments by White House reporter Helen Thomas regarding Israel’s presence in Palestine. While Helen has apologized to everyone regarding the flap, the issue is just not going away and now she is losing speaking engagements because of it. Thomas is reportedly blaming a certain satire site for the insensitive comments made on video.

Thomas issued a statement Sunday that goes further to explain her comments and what was behind them. “It was satire, actually a poor, misguided attempt at satire that brought me down after all my years as a reporter. I should have stuck with the news and left the funny business to those other people at Glossy News. All I can say is, I’m sorry, and it won’t happen again.”

 “Saying I’m sorry just doesn’t get it on this one Helen,” said Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League. “What part of anti-defamation don’t you get? And just when did you decide all this is a joke?”

Helen, of course, was referring to the website Glossy News which is a satire site where writers take the headline news and make light of it. Helen claims that she was spending a lot of time last weekend reading all the stories on Glossy News and just lost track of reality. “I got to the point where I couldn’t discern truth from fiction. Everything, from Sarah Palin to the oil spill started spinning in my head and I could no longer think seriously.”

After a full day of reading Glossy News, Helen went on to make her famous remark when asked about the Israelis in Palestine. “Send them all back to Germany and Poland is what I said,” remarked a sorrowful Thomas. “Damn those Glossy writers. I should have known better than to think that I could make light of the situation in the Middle East. From now on, if I want funny, I’ll stick with reading the Wall Street Journal.”

Sarah Palin Blames Drill Baby Drill Comments on Evil Twin

Wasilly, AK – Finally, what the American people have been waiting for from Sarah Palin, the truth. No longer do we have to guess why she would backtrack on her famous “Drill, Baby, Drill” comment when, in fact, it wasn’t she who said it.

“I have an evil twin, Sally, who is responsible for most of the awful things that come out of my mouth,” said Sarah in a recent tweet. “I’ve known about Sally for quite some time, but thought that if I told anyone about it, they’d think I was crazy, so I’ve just kept mum about it and took the heat. But this time, Sally has gone too far,” said Sarah. “This time she is making me out to be a big liar and I can no longer allow people to think that of me.”

Sarah is speaking, of course, about the drill, baby, drill comments and what was meant by them. “I never said that it was safe to drill offshore. I only meant that we should continue drilling on land. When I get confused, Sally takes over and when Sally takes over, everything gets muddled. She talks like me, walks like me and even dresses like me. In fact, she is so good at copying me, that I sometimes don’t even know if it is her talking or me. That is how good she is at deception.”

Asked if possibly Sally is just a person Sarah has made up to take the heat off herself, Sarah responded that she (Sally) was not a figment of her (Sarah’s) imagination. “No, Sally is real and she is really dangerous. Why just last week she attempted to tell a group of tea party members that I opposed the Bridge to Nowhere when, in fact, I, wait a minute, I did oppose the Bridge to Nowhere, didn’t I? Oh that Sally, what a little troublemaker she is. She got me again, good this time.”

Glenn Beck Claims Training Wheels on Bikes are for Sissies

New York, NY – Glenn Beck devotes entire segments of his show to his favorite subject, kids who get free rides in life and why they shouldn’t. For instance, in a past rant, Beck talked about how kids who got medals and trophies for merely showing up at sporting events whether or not they actually got to play in a game and score or do something noteworthy, were merely being sent the message that they don’t have to do anything extraordinary to be honored and in fact, should give those medals and trophies back so the kids who really earn them can appreciate them more.

Good point, that is until recently when Beck himself was bestowed an honorary doctorate in Humanities from Liberty University although he hardly ever stepped foot in a college in his life, for learning that is. But this isn’t about Beck’s own personal adherence to what he preaches, it is about kids and how they are spoiled brats and shouldn’t get any handouts in life.

The latest rant involves whether or not children’s toys should be so safe that children most likely will never experience pain in childhood and, without experiencing pain, they turn into mamby-pamby adults who have to be practically spoon fed throughout their lives.

Case in point, training wheels on bicycles. Beck began his show by saying, “Parents, don’t coddle your kids. Don’t start your toddlers out on a bike so small that even with training wheels, they can just put their feet on the ground and pull themselves forward without even peddling. That isn’t riding a bike. I believe what it does do is instill a false sense of security so that eventually, when the child has to ride a full-size bike, they will not have the balance skills and may even give up without even trying.”

As usual, Glenn pulled the rest of his message from personal experience and, with blackboard behind him, began his lesson on why kids should not learn to ride a bicycle with training wheels.

“When we were little, we didn’t get to learn to ride a bike on brand new Stingray bikes with cool banana seats and hi–rise handlebars; we didn’t get BMX bikes specially equipped with training wheels that were taken off only after we felt we had the balance skills to ride without them. Nosiree, we got to learn on our mom’s beat up old 26” Schwinn. Hell, we couldn’t even reach the peddles when we sat on the seat so we had to stand up and learn to ride.”

Beck, looking up and outward as if remembering it like it was yesterday, continued, “I remember my uncle out there on my first lesson telling me to get up there and start peddling while he held the back fender of the bike, walking alongside me. I tried as best I could to keep my little feet on those peddles but every once in awhile they’d slip and down my leg would go scraping against the chain,” Beck said as he stifled a sob with his fist.

“But I wasn’t, wasn’t…I wasn’t allowed to cry,” said Beck. “Nosiree Bob. I had to get back up there every time and do it again and again and again until I learned to not make that peddle spin underneath my foot. Finally, my uncle told me I was ready to go solo, but I begged him not to let go,” Beck emoted with signature anguish. “He said he wouldn’t, but he lied. I started to peddle really hard and I remember him running alongside behind me and then all of a sudden I felt a wobble, and,” Beck wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his fist, “I realized I was riding the bike all by my lonesome, no one there to catch me if I fell.”

“And yes, I fell,” he continued. “Boy did I fall. I fell hard, flat on my side. And what did my lousy uncle do” said Beck with decidedly pent-up anger, “the son of a…” Beck chuckled and went on. “The man laughed at me. He laughed at me! I hated him for that. But years later, in fact now, I thank him for it. It has made me what I am today. ‘No excuses Beck.’ ‘No free rides Beck.’ ‘No wimps need apply Beck,’ he said as he began scraping the chalk across the board in a most hysterical fashion.