Trump Ends Presidential Bid Due to Medical Condition

Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. “We [Trump’s medical advisers] had initially given Donald the okay to run for President, believing he had a tough hide and could take the onslaught of slings and arrows he’d be subjected to. We were as surprised as anyone to discover just how thin Mr. Trump’s skin really is.”

Dr. Finkelstein claims that the Donald contacted him immediately following the severe roasting he received from Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents' Dinner saying that he wasn’t sure he could take that kind of disrespect. “At the time, I advised Mr. Trump to just hang on and let things settle down, thinking that once they did, he (Donald) could go back on the offensive. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from that vicious attack,” said the good doctor.

Those close to Trump say although he was gaining steam slowly and decided to stay in the race, the final blow came when news of Osama bin Laden’s death started hitting the airwaves. “He became so enraged, his veins started popping up and you could see them right through his skin,” said Finkelstein. “That’s when we knew that he would never be able to withstand another year and a half of the constant needling he’d be getting from not only the media, but from his own party, and we had to advise Mr. Trump to withdraw from the race for medical reasons.”

Trump’s medical staff has prescribed some physical therapy to get Trump back to the man he was before his short-lived run for public office. He has been ordered to attend live comedy shows at least once a week and sit front and center as he is assaulted with personal jokes about everything from his comb-over hairstyle to his failure as a politician.

“We were also going to insist that he appear on the Jon Stewart Show to build up his resistance,” said Dr. Finkelstein, “but, it is just too soon, and we don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with our patient’s health.”

Lady Gaga May be Getting Married or Not

From the Whogivesaflip Newsroom:

In a surprise turn of events, Lady Gaga today denied rumors that she was getting married, but hinted that she probably would get married. Those close to her say that she is contradicting herself as a way to throw off the scent of any paparazzi sniffing around.

Gaga admitted on the Graham Norton Show that she was not dating anyone because she was too busy, but further admitted that she was in a monogamous relationship with Canadian, Luc Carl, at some time. She said the relationship may even be ongoing, but she doesn’t know for sure.

“I am so busy, I don’t know which end is up,” says Gaga. “One minute I’m writing a song and the next minute, I’m singing that same song. It’s got nothing to do with love sometimes.”

Gaga told Norton that she wears a wedding dress on stage to scare away potential suitors. “God, all I need is another boyfriend,” she said. “Not that I ever had one, but if I did have one, I don’t anymore.”

Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High

For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah.

“I am willing to admit to all of you sitting here today that I am not without sin,” Gingrich began as he tried to explain his past marital indiscretions. “Yes, I’ve cheated many times on the many women in my life, and maybe it does look bad to some.”

But Gingrich adduced that if it weren’t for a certain someone setting the bar just a tad too high for anyone of normal moral compass, let alone himself, he would be sitting a bit prettier in the hot tub of presidential hopefuls right now.

For instance, Gingrich maintains he had no choice but to use the excuse, “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” because Obama was there, all the way, mocking him with his (Obama’s) perfect fidelity track record.

Believe me,” Gingrich complained, “I’ve spent some serious money trying to get the goods on Barack Obama but unfortunately, he’s the real deal when it comes to marital fidelity, and that just doesn’t bode well for me overall.”

Gingrich went on to say that the other major hurdle he faces in running against Obama is the money thing. “I don’t know how that man does it, but he can get common, ordinary working-class people to dig deep into their pockets for him,” said Gingrich. “Me, I have to depend on the folks at the top, and getting them to turn loose of a buck isn’t the easiest thing to do."

Gingrich claims this alone has required him to do things he’s not particularly proud of, referring back to the first part of his speech.

The only thing Gingrich says he may have going for him [thank the Lord] is his third wife, Callista, who got him to convert to Catholicism. “From what I’ve witnessed so far, those Catholics don’t mess around when it comes to infidelity—at least between a man and a woman, he joked--which is what I desperately need to keep me on the straight and narrow for the next couple of years until I get this ‘President’ thing out of my system.”

“Plus,” he said, “with all the talk running the rumor mills that Obama is a Muslim,” said Gingrich, “a good old-fashioned religious man persona may be just the ticket to getting me elected.”

Still, Gingrich claims he’s up for the challenge and, off the record, told the group that he just hopes his “lust for life” doesn’t derail him yet another time.

Almost 20 Tons of Unwanted Drugs Turned in to DEA

For a second year, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out.

Myrtle Jenkins, 86, of Providence, Rhode Island showed up to one site with a whole bag of prescription-strength anti-diarrheal, eye wash, and skin rash products, some dating all the way back to 1997. “Now that I have Medicare,” she said, “I can afford the good stuff. You know, the stuff that makes you feel a little funny. This crap doesn’t do a thing for me.”

Several others who showed up had the same comments. Seniors from all over were giving up their crap and bragging that the good stuff is still locked up in their medicine cabinets.

One DEA agent confirmed that indeed, all the surrendered drugs weren’t worth a dime and he wasn’t really sure who came up with the whole drug take-back initiative. “Guns, yeah, I can see. They’re dangerous and we need to get them off the streets. But prescription-strength, 10-year old calamine lotion with a mild analgesic? Christ, I could be back home watching the Red Sox right now getting hammered and have more fun than this.”

Officer Stan “Woody” Perkins agreed. “We got all excited when a little guy came up to us with a bag full of what looked to be little blue pills. We thought we’d hit the mother lode,” said Perkins. When we inspected further, however, it just turned out to be a bagful of out-dated, generic beta blockers.” Perkins says that’s when they decided to pack it in and call it a day. “Who needs this crap?” he said.

When reminded that the whole idea behind drug take-back initiatives was the safe disposal of unwanted drugs, Perkins said he understood, but at the same time said the whole program, in his mind, was a waste of taxpayers’ money.

Asked what the law enforcement officers did with all the pills they collected in this last round up, Perkins said that he and another officer drew the short straws and they got “dumping duty,” meaning they had to collect all the bags and make a run to the local landfill. “So much for helping out Ma Nature,” he said, “unless she’s got a bad case of the runs.”

Perkins says the worst part of all of this is that he volunteered for the job. “You better believe I’m gonna ask for my old job back after this. When asked what that was, Perkins answered “I went on search and destroy missions to various large pot farms. The worst part about that job was not having enough doughnuts and coffee for everyone once we lit that bonfire.”

Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. We tried cutting the plants back to allow the other herbs to grow, but it just seems to create a stronger plant. The damn things are like those Tribbles in Star Trek. You can’t get rid of them.”

Chong added, half jokingly, “I suspect one of the gardening interns has been sneaking extra plant food to the pot plants to make sure they live long and prosper.”

News of an over-abundant crop of marijuana coming out of the White House garden has already created quite a buzz in medical marijuana circles around the country. Requests are pouring in from dozens of dispensaries inquiring what the White House intends to do with all that pot and offering to take the majority of it off their hands.

Bud Wilkins, who runs the Acme Collective in Sacramento, California, says that as soon as he heard there would be a bumper crop of Maui Waui ready for cultivation later this summer, he jumped on the horn to the White House spokesperson in charge of the project asking for a hand out.

“I remember reading somewhere that the White House issued a statement earlier in the year saying that the pot would not be distributed to local dispensaries. That damn near brought tears to my eyes,” said Wilkins. “I figured since we’re not local, I had to give it a shot.”

Several groups from California, Colorado and Oregon have put in bids as well to try and get some of the primo pot to hand out to their patients. Mary Bridges, official spokesperson for the pet pot project at the White House says she sees no reason why the bumper crop shouldn’t be distributed to those in need of it. “Now all we have to do is sell the President on the idea,” she said.

Bridges surmised that it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all convincing the President and First Lady to distribute the pot to those who need it the most. “After all,” she said, “he has pretty much proven he’ll do just about anything to make sure Americans get the best of everything when it comes to health care.”

Obama Not Reading Book Upside Down When Bin Laden Killed

It has already started, the “What were you doing when you heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed?” Most of us were getting ready for bed or already there on a Sunday evening when the news broke. Not much else to remember, just that as soon as we heard, we couldn’t turn off the television.

Same thing with the bombing of the twin towers on 9/11. Almost. Yes, to this day, we ask each other “Do you remember where you were or what you were doing when the twin towers were destroyed?” What sticks in my mind more than anything is the vision of watching then President George W. Bush sitting in front of a group of young children, reading to them from a book that just happened to be upside down. At that moment I knew that George W. Bush knew before any of us exactly what was going down.

I was working in Bradenton, Florida, just about 5 miles up the road from the very school in Sarasota, Florida where our President was when the towers came under attack. I watched the horror unfold on the televisions set up in the game room of the company I worked for while simultaneously looking out the door of the building and up into the sky to watch as Air Force One took off, scurrying our President presumably back toward the nation’s capital, but now knowing he probably wouldn’t be brought there until the danger had passed.

That was almost ten years ago and none of it has blurred. What I remember most, besides the vision of the planes flying into the side of those towers, is that upside down book and the look on George W. Bush’s face. I can’t remember seeing surprise, which actually surprised me and, to this day, still does. There was no reaction whatsoever, just a limp book in his hands as he seemed to be listening to someone telling him something. I remember imagining someone saying to him “Ok, now George, put the book down, get up slowly, and don’t let on that anything is amiss,” or something to that effect.

And then this past Sunday, my first knowledge of the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed came by reading the news online. I immediately turned on the television and the oddest thing came to mind. I’d lay odds President Barack Obama was not reading a book upside down when the deal went down.

Kate Gosselin Prefers Camping Down Under to Palin’s Alaska

It took mere seconds into the filming of a camping trip in Australia for Kate Gosselin of Kate Plus 8 to make it quite clear that the outdoors she and the kiddies experienced in Australia was far superior and way more enjoyable than that introduced to them in Alaska as guests of Sarah Palin.

“Finally,” said Gosselin after climbing out of her spacious tent in the Outback, “I can show the world that I’m not a sniveling, whining princess who can’t survive in the wilderness.” The fact that she had her own toilet tent, something other than leaves to wipe herself, and her own personal entourage of make-up artists and hair stylists tagging along, didn’t hurt. Not to mention, the only bears she needed to fear in this environment were cuddly koalas.

What Gosselin didn’t bring up was the fact that when told she’d be going on another camping trip with the kids, she threw a royal fit and threatened to quit the show, something she does quite regularly no matter the destination, save perhaps Hawaii. This time though, she claimed it was justified. “You ever sat around a campfire chewing on masticated whale blubber and having to act all friendly like with a woman whose voice makes you want to throw yourself off an ice floe?”

However, as always, she was reminded that the show pays for her lifestyle, and with that, she begrudgingly picked up her Gucci backpack and stomped toward the limo waiting to whisk her and her offspring to the outback in style, stopping only once to get in a quick tanning session in anticipation of making it to the beach after a few days of roughing it.

Reporters caught up with Sarah Palin to ask her what she thought about Kate’s adventures camping in Australia. “Sure, who wouldn’t love 80 degree sunny weather with hunky outback guys carrying your 18-piece Gucci luggage all over the place for you?” then said, “Now excuse me. I have work to do. This bear isn’t gonna skin itself.”