Sales of Martin Jetpack Skyrocket in Anticipation of LA’s Carmageddon

For over two months, people living in Los Angeles have been warned that Caltrans (the California Department of Transportation) is planning to add a carpool lane to the 405. The 405 is the main route between the San Fernando Valley and the City of Los Angeles, not to mention LAX, one of the busiest airports in the country. This announcement is creating quite a bit of havoc as the shutdown is set for tonight and will last for the weekend.

Fortunately, the San Fernando Valley is home to some of the most affluent neighborhoods of the region, including Studio City, Burbank, and Glendale. Where there’s lotsa money, there’s lotsa hope. As soon as news of the freeway shutdown hit the airwaves, the Martin Aircraft Company located in New Zealand began to receive so many phone calls, it had to add an extra line.

Manufacturer of the famous, one-of-a-kind Martin Jetpack, which is a personal flying machine, Martin Aircraft is reporting record sales, and the company began shipping the orders last week. The “no training required” jetpack kits come complete with assembly and flying instructions. Once removed from the box and assembled, the jetpacks are ready to fly in just minutes.

This latest trend has caught the FAA completely off guard and a spokesperson for the FAA cautions, “while these jetpacks are being marketed as a safer and more effective alternative to driving the 405, without proper testing, folks who have purchased these jetpacks should be extremely cautious when jumping into the 21^st Century.”

Unfortunately, Henry Simpleton of Studio City, one of the first residents to receive his Jetpack kit in the mail, didn’t heed that advice. Once assembled, Simpleton fired it up, gave the thumb’s up signal and took off. Several feet in the air, he took his hand off the controls to wave to everyone, yelling “Hey, look at me. I’m Buck Rogers,” and crashed to the ground.

Fortunately, Simpleton walked away with only scrapes and bruises, but his antics sent a message to all the other millionaires in the area who are set to take their maiden voyages this weekend, “Keep both hands on the controls and for God’s sake, don’t show off.

In a related news story, an unofficial spokesperson of the company claims former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has purchased several of the backpacks in order to be able to make better time flying from one mistress’ home to the next without being unduly inconvenienced. If you happen to spot him flying above you while you are stuck in traffic...wave.

Obama Looking for New Court Jester After Kal Penn Resigns

Comedy actor, Kal Penn, announced that he is leaving his gig working for the White House in the Office of Public Engagement to return to television. Some of you will remember Penn from his role on the television series House, others may remember him from the movie Harold and Kumar. However, only one or two of you, up until this story broke, even knew Kumar, err Penn worked in the White House Office of Public Engagement. And fewer still knew he was Obama’s personal Court Jester.

Nevertheless, what it boils down to is this: Obama needs a new Court Jester, and so it was announced today that Obama will be holding auditions for the position the week of July 18.

“What we need,” said Obama, “is someone who can take the disastrous events my administration has to deal with on a daily basis and make them palatable to me through comedy.” While Obama didn’t mention out loud that he wanted a Jon Stewart-type person to take over, sources close to the President say that he has said many, many times “Boy, it was a rough day today. I could really use Jon Stewart to loosen me up tonight before I go to bed.”

In the meantime, Obama has announced that due to his incredible talent for blurting out inappropriate statements which almost always get a chuckle from the press, Joe Biden will fill in as Court Jester until a suitable replacement for Penn can be hired. Obama has ordered Biden to move into the White House until further notice so that he can be on comedic call 24/7.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Loses Governor’s Mansion in Poker Game

Police in Austin, Texas were called to the Governor’s Mansion downtown in response to a call-in report that a strange man appeared to be living in the dwelling amidst the chaos of reconstruction. Upon entry, police officers found Henry Waldrep asleep on a small cot in the grand ballroom. Alongside Waldrep, they found a small crate with a makeshift cook stove on top and empty McDonald’s wrappers and several empty beer bottles littering the floor.

Police immediately arrested Waldrep for criminal trespass and were in the process of patting him down and handcuffing him when Waldrep told the officer he won the mansion in a game of poker with Governor Rick Perry.

To prove his innocence, Waldrep produced a set of keys to the mansion and a crumpled cocktail napkin from the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas that carried a hand-written note honoring Rick Perry’s bet of the mansion in a poker game. Officers then called the Mayor’s office to determine what to do and it is then that they found out that Waldrep was indeed telling the truth.

A close aide to the Mayor confirmed that Perry informed them of the loss when he returned from Vegas in late June. “ Evidently, Governor Perry was a little down on his luck while playing in the No Limit Hold ‘em tournament at the Golden Nugget. With nothing else to throw in the pot, he decided that he’d bet the mansion. We had no idea the guy would take the bet seriously and actually move into the mansion.”

The aide, who declined to identify herself, told officers to let the man stay until the matter could be legally sorted out. Texas, unlike other states, has a law on the books that says when a poker bet is made, no matter how ridiculous, the bet is honored. There is a legal question, however, as to who is the rightful owner of the Governor’s Mansion.

Officers had no choice but to release Waldrep and let him stay in what appeared to be his official residence until the Texas Attorney General could investigate the matter.

The Governor’s Mansion was set ablaze in 2008 causing serious damage throughout the dwelling. It has been under renovation ever since. Perry and his family are currently residing in a leased home in West Austin and could not be reached for comment.

Asked if the smoke smell didn’t bother him, Waldrep replied, “Heck no. I’ve been living in a little teardrop trailer in the Nevada desert now for 3 years. A little smoke smell sure as hell ain’t gonna kill me.”

Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks

Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control.

There are two such Senators who are particularly frustrating his efforts though, i.e. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and Rand Paul (R-Kentucky).

Here are just a few of the comments attributed to Joe Biden during the debt ceiling talks:

I just cannot get through to you. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

Do you live to annoy me?

Do you think this debt ceiling is going to raise itself?

Don’t make me bang my gavel.

How do you know you don’t like any of the proposals if you’ve never read them? Try just one and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to agree to it.

Keep it up and one day your face is gonna freeze that way.

I don’t care what the other Vice Presidents are doing. I’m your Vice President and what I say goes.

If you can’t say something constructive, don’t say anything at all.

‘I don’t know’ is not an answer.

I hope someday you become a Vice President. Then we’ll see how smart you are.

Now go back out and come back in without slamming the door this time.

Leaving the talks? Is that a threat or a promise?

People in Hades want ice water. That doesn’t mean they’re gonna get it.

Why? Because I said so that’s why.

You’re not leaving this room until you’ve finished your debate.

I brought you into these talks and I can take you out.

You boys have tuckered me out. Now, run along and play so I can take my nap.

Senate Considers Replacing Part of Medicare Plan with Medical Marijuana Plan

~Sorry for two pot stories in a row, but even I can’t control the need to know…p. beckert

While the debate in the Senate continues over whether to raise taxes on the rich, cut spending on Social Security and Medicare, or both in order to deal with the debt ceiling crisis, there is one option on the table that is getting quite a bit of attention from both sides—incorporating a medical marijuana option into Medicare-Part D, the national prescription drug plan.

Just as Franklin D. Roosevelt saw a need and filled it with the Social Security Act of 1935, and President Lyndon B. Johnson oversaw the establishment of Medicare within the Social Security Act of 1965, a new amendment to the Social Security Act is long overdue.

Luckily, President Obama sees that need and is now poised to put his full support behind an amendment plan written by Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). His plan is simple and effective--include a National Medical Marijuana Plan as an alternative for seniors and those with medical conditions who are finding it hard to purchase over-priced and sometimes dangerous prescription medications.

“It just makes sense,” Obama reportedly stated after one particularly grueling night trying to convince some conservatives that they all better think of ways to produce a rabbit from the proverbial hat that is the budget mess or they are all gonna get kicked out on their keisters come 2012.

Surprisingly enough, this is one idea that received much positive feedback from both sides of the aisle, save for a few diehard alcoholic senators who don’t want to step on the toes of their largest campaign contributors, i.e. booze manufacturers.

Hoping to sell the amendment, Obama told those in attendance, “The largest portion of our populace-- the baby boomers--are well on their way to retirement age. Many of them,” he joked, “already know the medical benefits of marijuana, regardless of whether or not it’s legal.”

Then, in a more sincere tone, he told them, “We need something that doesn’t cost the United States government an arm and a leg to fund. Marijuana is cheap to grow, it’s a natural substance, and with many illegal immigrants in places like California, Oregon and Colorado already growing it for us, all we need to do is grant them asylum in exchange for them turning over their marijuana plants to us to process and provide to those in need medicinally. It’s almost too simple.”

Obama held private talks with Kucinich before putting his support behind the budget plan/Social Security Act amendment. The main thing Obama wanted to know was how much of a chance he had selling the idea to the Senate.

Kucinich handed him a tray of brownies and told him, “Offer them a few treats with their afternoon coffee sir. I guarantee you’ll get the thing passed.”

Ed Note: News reports out today claiming the Federal government recently ruled that pot has no medicinal value and should be classified in the same category as heroin are patently false. It is vitally important to reiterate you can’t believe everything you read.

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products, manufacturer of various pot products for the home.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Said company spokesperson, Patrick Pending, “we realized when medical marijuana became legal in many states, there would be some people who would not be able to take it the traditional way, i.e. by smoking a pipe or a marijuana cigarette, so we decided to do something about it.

Our candles are produced in such a way as to incorporate just the right amount of marijuana within the beeswax allowing for a consistent dispersal of medicament in a small area. This, along with the patented wider wick, allows the patient(s) to gather around it and gain the full benefits just by normally breathing in the smoke.”

Mr. Pending claims that he and his colleagues have spent many, many man hours testing the candles and can attest to their potency and effectiveness. “Not only do the candles help to alleviate the symptoms of so many medical maladies, but they also lend a calming ambiance to any room,” said Pending.

Melting Pot candles will be sold alongside traditional medical marijuana in marijuana dispensaries, and the company hopes someday soon to be able to sell them at local Wal-Mart and Target stores. In addition, the group is hoping to produce smaller taper-type rainbow drip candles like the ones made popular in the 60’s. “After all,” said Pending, “sometimes it takes more than just a medicated candle to make someone feel good.”

Casey Anthony Seeks Coping Advice from OJ Simpson

Warning: Some may find the fact that I’m writing about this trial on a satire page offensive. I did so not for shock value but because I couldn’t stand to look at Casey Anthony smiling after being told she was going free for the murder of her daughter without adding my two cents worth. If you find it in poor taste to write about the subject, please skip over this story and go on to something more to your liking…

The murder trial of Casey Anthony ended this past week with a verdict of not guilty, which pretty much stunned the entire nation. The only murder trial in recent memory that may have had an equally stunning outcome was that of OJ Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife, Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Thank goodness for Casey that OJ set a precedent on how to react when the verdict of not guilty was read, as well as how to feign grief over the loss of a loved one you are accused of murdering.

OJ was more than willing to offer Casey some sound advice when it comes to coping with the media and outraged Floridians who didn’t like the outcome of the trial.

“First of all,” OJ told Casey, “don’t let them get to you. I don’t know if you did it or not, but regardless of whether or not you’re guilty, don’t let them make you think that you are. You are a free woman, so act like it.”

When Casey asked OJ how to feign real sadness in light of the fact that she actually is being told she’s a free woman, OJ responded, “Cry. Just put your face in your hands and break down and cry.”

However, when Casey told OJ that she was pretty much over it and couldn’t produce any more tears, OJ let her in on a little secret…”fake tears. Yeah, I know, simple solution, huh? Just go to any costume store and you’ll find them. You’ll be amazed at how realistic they are.”

Casey asked him how much they cost and told him she was a little short on cash. “Well, in that case,” he told her, “try slicing open an onion and wave it in front of your face. That should do the trick.”

Casey then told OJ the biggest problem she seemed to be having after hearing she’d be released from jail in just a few days was the inability to stifle a smile. “I can’t seem to control myself,” said Casey. “Do you have any ideas on how the hell I can wipe that shit-eating grin off my face? I mean, those cameras are everywhere and I’m just so damned happy about being handed that “Get Out of Jail Free” card,” she told him.

“Honey,” said OJ, “you live in Florida, land of the citrus fruit. Suck on a lemon every time you get the urge to smile.”

Casey had to admit it was great advice. How lucky was she to have a mentor who’d gone through the whole routine before her and could teach her the ropes.

“Oh, and one more thing before you send your folks out to the grocery store,” cautioned Simpson. “No matter how badly you want to tell someone what really happened to Caylee, don’t be an idiot like me and confess. Sure, I’ll never do time for the crime, but that civil trial was murder.”