Herman Cain Says Culling the Herds and Closing Cities Answer to America’s Woes

Last week, GOP candidate Herman Cain was asked to speak at a meeting of The Elite Club. He began his speech reiterating his idea that in order to fight the war on illegal immigrants, we must build a fence, electrify it, and put a sign on the Mexican side that says “it will kill you.”

While it is pretty much a foregone conclusion that most Mexicans trying to sneak into the country aren’t able to read a sign in English, we assume that is Cain’s genius at work to get rid of the pesky border hoppers before they reach American soil.

And so, it is no surprise that Cain then remarked that we shouldn’t stop at the borders. “It’s time to get rid of the lazy, shiftless people right here in America who are a drain on our society,” said Cain. “Perhaps we could start by lacing old folks’ oatmeal with poison with the same warning,” he said. “You know, ‘eat this and you might die,’ just print it in really, really small letters.”

“I’m just coming up with these things off the top of my head, so they’ll have to be thought through a little bit,” he said, “but I’m pretty sure getting rid of the folks who don’t really contribute to society any longer will go down well with the wealthy and get me elected,” he said to a very receptive crowd.

One other way Cain said we can reduce the drain on the rich is to totally raze unproductive cities and sell the land to mineral miners. “Take Detroit, for instance,” he said. “It’s sitting on top of millions of dollars worth of salt. Make the whole damn place a salt mine, put some of the riff raff to work, and tell the rest to get the hell out. Build little shacks along the edges of the salt mines and charge the riff raff to pay rent like everyone else, and you got yourself a going concern. Ain’t nothing wrong with big companies making a buck off the sweat of the people,” Cain said to rousing applause.

“We’ll literally make those folks go back to the salt mines.”

Hours later, Cain admitted he was joking. “Of course I didn’t mean it. Salt doesn’t really fetch the kinda dollars coal or natural gas does. We’d have to find a way to close the salt mines and just tell the riff raff to get lost. Then we could dig deeper, maybe look for diamonds or something,” he said. "Then we could go after other cities like Pittsburgh and Buffalo that don’t really contribute half what they would if they were razed and mined for minerals.”

Cain got a standing ovation.

Halloween Stores across America Refuse to Stock Bible Figure Costumes for JesusWeen

Look out Satan, Freddy, Jason and the Screamer, this year you’re going to get your stiffest competition from Jesus. That’s right, a religious group in Baltimore, Maryland is taking over Halloween and Christening it “JesusWeen.”

“That’s pretty unfair,” claims Damian Warlock, owner of one of the many Halloween box stores springing up around the country. “You don’t see us dressing up like Satan on Christmas or opening Christmas box stores loaded with Freddy and Jason costumes complete with fake pumping blood masks just in time for the holidays do you?” Warlock says that while his store has always carried semi-religious items such as Crusader costumes and angel wings, he just doesn't see where stocking Jesus and various apostle costumes would be that profitable for him.

“The Christians have more holidays during the year than any other religion already," said Warlock, "so why do they need Halloween too? The whole thing is just getting so out of hand," he said.

Bob Holaroller, of Baltimore, an elder at the Church where JesusWeen got its start claims that instead of carving pumpkins and going around door-to-door begging for candy, children should be running through the neighborhood singing the Lord’s praises and getting free little Bibles.  Holaroller has been touting JesusWeen for the past several years but says it has been slow to catch on.

This year, Holaroller has invested in outside hurricane shutters and full drapes for the trees outside his home to stave off the annual assaults of toilet-papering and raw eggs his family endures every JesusWeen.

“It’s not that folks are anti-religion,” said Warlock. “But come on, Get-Saved pamphlets and miniature bibles? Right there you run into trouble when you cut off the neighborhood kids’ chocolate supply. There’s bound to be trouble.” Warlock also claims that the re-naming of the holiday to JesusWeen is just plain stupid.

“If it were originally called SatanWeen, I could see the connection, but changing Hallow to Jesus? What does that mean?” asked Warlock who claims he's pretty certain any kid whose parents make him dress up like an Apostle for Halloween is gonna have a hard time at school come Monday morning.

Still, anyone who wishes to turn their life around and celebrate JesusWeen instead of Halloween can do so with a minimum amount of money. “Just take those sheets you were going to use as ghost costumes,” says Holaroller, “and wrap them around you like a Jesus robe. Use a rope for a belt, and voila, you can go from Satan to Savior in no time.”

Wall Street Bankers Launch “Can We Still Be Friends” Ad Campaign

Ever since the Occupy Wall Street protests began over a month ago, several groups have been organizing and marching on the largest banks in the country, i.e. Chase, CitiBank, and Bank of America. The marches in every city culminate in protesters withdrawing their money from the banks and putting it either under their mattress, with online banks that do not charge fees, or into credit unions. This is leaving the major banks vulnerable, having to contend with a serious cash flow problem.

In order to entice the protesters to keep their money in their banks or at least stop the hemorrhaging resulting from these withdrawals, three major banks have come up with a marketing plan that they think may just woo those depositors back into their banks. It’s called the “Can We Still Be Friends” interest-bearing savings account with perks.

Through this program, if a protester puts their money back into the bank, they will receive ½ of ½ percent interest annually and a patriotic coin purse. In addition, the lobbies of all participating banks will have safety-stem lollipops just like in the good old days and in flavors the protestors crave, such as cherry, orange, grape and lime. Several cases of the lollipops have been anonymously donated to the Organize Wall Street protests in an attempt at a peace offering.

“We feel their pain,” said Senior Vice President of Bank Relations, Fernando Villanovo, while strains of Todd Rundgren’s Can We Still be Friends played in the background.

The banks have hired the best public relations firm in the business to, in Villanova’s words, “turn this Occupy America thing around before it just gets too out of hand.”

Asked if the offer of a couple cents a year on a savings account, a cheap vinyl coin purse and flavored lollipops don’t work, what can the bank do next to turn things around? Villanova said, he didn’t know.

“I know they want us to pay back the bailout money, but quite frankly, that is a no can do for us. We spent it on last year’s bonuses,” he said. “If you think these protesters are angry, see how angry our executives get if there are no big bonuses this year.”

Villanova says the banks are truly between a rock and a hard spot right now and are asking the protesters to please see their dilemma and cut them some slack.

No word yet if anyone is falling for the “Can We Still Be Friends” campaign, but word on the street is the lollipops are all gone.

Charlie Sheen Gets Act Together as Apocalypse Nears

A fear of the devil and not being caught up in the rapture is evidently behind Charlie Sheen’s miraculous recovery from a life that had him headed on a path straight to hell.

“I woke up one morning and realized that there were only 434 days left until the end of the world, and I got so scared,” said Sheen while waiting in his dentist’s office. Asked how he knew the exact number of days before the apocalypse, Sheen responded, “Just because I am drug-free doesn’t mean I don’t have super-human powers.”

Sheen has even convinced his ex-wife, Denise Richards, to go in halvsies with him on a survival condo built inside an abandoned missile silo at an undisclosed location in the State of Idaho. “We’ve put a deposit down on a three-floor condominium complete with swimming pool, theater, four bedrooms and a maid’s quarters,” said Sheen as he awaited titanium tooth implants.

“With these titanium implants in my mouth,” Sheen said, “I will be able to communicate telepathically with anyone topside who might survive the apocalypse, although the chances of that happening are pretty rare,” said a reflective Sheen.

Sheen’s father, actor Martin Sheen, claims he is very proud of his son for finally understanding the apocalypse is a real threat and getting his act together. “Sure, he still talks like he’s high as a kite, but the drug tests keep coming back negative, and that’s all I really care about.”

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. “While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults just don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”

Said Tommy from his hospital bed, “I just thank God no one has come up with a beer-flavored liquid multi-vitamin.”

Joe the Plumber Running for Congress Because He Claims America’s Going Down the Toilet

What the hell? I need beer and cigarette money

Joe the Plumber is back. You remember him…the guy who pressed candidate Barack Obama about the constitutionality of paying taxes…the guy who candidate John McCain thrust onto the political scene at the behest of Sarah Palin? Yea, that guy.

Joe the Plumber has indicated that he’s running for Congress because he claims America is going down the toilet, and let’s face it, plumbers know this kind of stuff better than the rest of us.

But, you say, don’t candidates need to be flush with cash to run for office these days? Why yes they do. While plumbers do make a pretty good living compared to some other trades, an out-of-work plumber is a whole different story.

So, then, who do you suppose made Joe decide to take the plunge? We’d wager to bet it’s either Rupert Murdoch or the Koch Brothers. We all know that these guys just love to throw wrenches into political races, especially ones centered around highly charged Democratic primaries (Dennis Kucinich vs. Marcy Kaptur in 9th Congressional District).

Maybe becoming a Congressman is just a pipe dream for Joe the Plumber, but hey, with the right backing, who knows? At least that way, he’d have a job and no longer be a drain on society, and really, isn’t that what it’s all about these days?

New Poll Shows That 99% of Americans Think Glenn Beck is Nuts

The National Opinion Research Center has just published the results of last week’s tracking poll which indicates that a solid 99% of Americans think that radio talk show host Glenn Beck is nuts.

The poll results were broadcast mere minutes after Beck warned capitalists on his radio show to beware of the Occupy Wall Street movement.

“Capitalists, if you think that you can play footsies with these people, you're wrong. They will come for you and drag you into the streets and kill you...” said Beck on Monday.

Keith Martin, an employee at NORC who was in charge of accumulating the votes said that they weren’t expecting the push back on Beck to be so high, seeing as that 99% included people who regularly listen to his radio broadcast.

“All we can conclude is that in America today,” said Martin, “people like Glenn Beck are expected to be crazy, to say and do the outlandish to make money, so that when it comes time to vote in a poll on whether or not the guy is nuts, they are saying yes in a positive way.”

Still, Martin wanted to make a point that those following Beck now only accounts for .000041 percent of the actual polling figures and therefore, those who think he is truly nuts is still at a solid 99%, and half of those polled believe Beck is dangerous and capable of carrying out a few killings of his own.

As Beck’s former employees would say “the dribble is on his bib,” referring to the fact that Beck now needs to wear a dribble bib to catch the flow of sputum streaming down his chin as he gets worked up talking about those 99ers out there pushing for change in America. Several psychiatrists have confirmed that this is one of the very first signs that a man is going completely mad.