Alleged Rapist Sues Intended Victim for Pain, Suffering

Johnny “Handsome” Marzetti sits in a jail cell awaiting sentencing for the attempted sexual assault on Donna Fuctwidder. He’s looking at 7-15 years in state prison for his crime. But Johnny’s had some time to put together a lawsuit of his own…against his intended victim and a few of the employees over at the Essex County Jail as a result of what he calls "a series of events that caused him to suffer permanent physical and psychological damages.”

Marzetti says Fuctwidder came close to blinding him when she sprayed cheap, smelly perfume in his face to get him to stop assaulting her behind the Snooker Inn in Sayreville, NJ last November. That’s not all. Debilitated and disoriented from the spray, Marzetti crashed headfirst into a dumpster and passed out. When he came to, he was in a holding cell at the Essex County Jail surrounded by 3 very large fellow offenders who were in the process of readying themselves to take advantage of Marzetti as jailers looked on.

Evidently, the scent that Fuctwidder sprayed on Marzetti set off some pretty strong sexual feelings in Marzetti’s fellow cellmates and by the time he was able to fight them off, he had suffered horrible pain not to mention incredible embarrassment.

“Jesus,” he said. I was brought into the station smelling like a French whore and the damned police threw me into the cell thinking what? That the smell would be offensive to my fellow inmates? Right, it set off a fuc*ing midnight rendezvous is what it did.”

When reached to comment about the lawsuit, Donna wouldn’t say much except to explain why she used spray perfume and not pepper spray to fend off her attacker. “I was out with a couple of friends that night to shoot some pool and have a few beers. I always carry my Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray with me when I go out with the girls cause you never know who you’ll meet.

Anyway, Handsome and me had just finished dancing to Bon Jovi’s ‘Wanted Dead or Alive,’ and he asked me to go out back with him and have a smoke. He seemed nice enough so I said ok. Next thing I know, he’s pushing me down and jumping on top of me. I had my bag with me and tried to hit him with it but it just made him madder so I pretended to give in while I felt around in my purse for the only spray I had, that Musk perfume. Man, I sprayed the fuc* outta him.”

When asked what went through her mind when she found out that Handsome was taking her to court on pain and suffering charges, she just laughed. “What did I think? I’ll tell you what I thought. I thought good for me, let Sir Humpalot try and sue me. Every woman should carry around a bottle of Jovan ‘Musk’ Perfume Spray in her bag, ya know? Handsome got what he deserved and no court in hell is gonna take his side in no stupid lawsuit. And that’s all I gotta say. I’m late goin’ to meet the girls at the Snook.”

Sarah Palin Wants in on ‘Jesus Rifle’ Action

Upon hearing that Michigan defense contractor, Trijicon, has been supplying the US military with rifle sights inscribed with New Testament Bible passage references on them, Sarah Palin immediately called the company’s headquarter offices to try and pull some strings to get a few of the rifle sights for her own hunting rifles.

Trijicon’s public relations manager hinted that Palin called their corporate offices not long after reading this story on DefenseConDaily.com and asked if she could get in on the action. “She was like ‘sure, so doya think I might get me some of them rifle sights that you all are making for our troops in Iraq?’” She reportedly offered free signed copies of her book Going Rogue to sweeten the pot.

Never mind that many high-ranking members of the military believe that knowingly using rifle scopes that are engraved with coded references to Bible verses is not only inappropriate but also considered a direct violation of federal laws that call for separation of church and state, constitutional issues have never really been high on Sarah Palin’s list of things to be worried about.

The particular verse reference Sarah was initially interesting in having engraved on her rifle scopes is the ever popular John 11:25-26, which reads, "I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die."

We can only assume that in a military sense, this would refer to the US soldiers who are doing the killing in the name of freedom and not the Iraqi and Afghani insurgents and any other Islamics being shot, who, we've been led to believe by Pat Robertson, do not fall under the realm of protection afforded by Christian Bible verses.

But, since the above verse has little to do with hunting bear and other critters in the Alaskan wilderness, Trijicon redirected Sarah’s sights (no pun intended) on one of the most quoted verses of the Bible when hunters are taken to task for hunting, i.e. Genesis 1:28 which reads in part: “…and God said unto them…have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

Here’s the big whoops!, though. Seems if those holy hunters would have held off long enough on the jubilation over God giving them the green light to kill critters and read just one more verse, Genesis 1:29, which states, “And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat,” they’d have literally had a cow. Seems, in the beginning, God had intended for us to be…gasp…vegans!

Dang, right there is proof that God has quite the sense of humor, “… the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away…” Job 1:21.

Kate Gosselin: The Taming of the Shrewd

The long-awaited news has finally arrived. TLC has just announced the name and format for Kate’s solo show, sans Jon and Kids. The show is tentatively named Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd, and it features Kate each week being employed by B through D-rated reality stars, who give Kate some much needed lessons in humility by assigning her various odd jobs to perform.

Our sources tell us that Kate’s been spotted on location around town taking on the tasks that will become part of her new show.

In the first episode, TLC has Kate cleaning the kitchen of quick-tempered TV Chef personality, Gordon Ramsay. With Kate doing the cleaning, Ramsay is expected to give a dinner party where all his guests will be able to eat off the floor! But will Kate even make it to the mopping with Ramsay breathing down her neck, or will her servitude end early with a repeat of Ramsay’s famous “pig” comment?

Other episodes slated will include:

Kate babysitting Nadya Suleman’s (Octomom) 14 children—Who better to handle a full brood of youngsters than the original Octomom? Will coping with 6 additional children send Kate over the edge? Will it throw off her rhythm? Will Nadya flip out when the time comes to actually relinquish control of her kids to someone else? Or will Kate and Nadya bond long enough for Kate to get some much needed tips from Nadya on how to set up a website to accept donations for over-sized families?

Cleaning out Rachel Zoe’s shoe closet—This one might just prove to be the most fun to watch as we take bets on whose OCD wins out on this battle of the wills. While Kate is just starting to amass a large shoe collection, she has no idea of the hundreds of pairs she’ll be dealing with in Zoe’s closet. And to add to the fun, TLC folks have taken some shoes out of the boxes and left some in, leaving Kate to decide if all the shoes should be boxed or unboxed. We have a feeling that she’ll find out soon enough from Rachel.

Walking Gretchen and Danny Bonaduce’s dogs—It’s payback time for the Gosselin puppies who didn’t have a chance on Jon and Kate Plus 8. In the new show, we’ll see how long it takes Kate to try and convince the Bonaduces’ breeder to take their dogs back after a few rounds of scooping poop.

As with Gosselin’s previous reality series, Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd is expected to pull in huge viewing audiences that want to see Kate succeed as a working mother and cheer her on even while she may be cleaning some D-list actor’s toilet. And it will also have folks watching just to see Kate get a little comeuppance and, as they say, “put her back in her place.”

It should be a rollicking fun time for all and another major TLC hit.

To make things a little more interesting on this show, TLC is asking Kate’s fans to write in and let them know who they’d like to see Kate serving and what they’d like to see her do. According to TLC, “the wackier, the better.” So if you have any ideas, now is the time, because they’ll only be taking viewer suggestions until March 15, 2010. And please, TLC asks that you “keep it clean” for Kate’s sake.

Best of luck, Kate!

Chimpanzee Learning to Surf Web on Own Laptop

Charlie, a chimpanzee owned by animal psychologist, Mary Lively, celebrated his 6th birthday by sending text messages on his very own laptop computer. The computer was specially designed for Charlie by Apeco Technologies at the urging of Lively, when she noticed that Charlie took an unusual interest in her computer while she did research.

Expanding on already established research done at Ohio State University where chimpanzees have been learning to read for years, Lively wanted to take it one step further and develop a tool to see whether or not a chimpanzee can first learn syntax (the stringing together of words to form a complete thought) and then be able to use that knowledge to surf the web and send text messages. “So far, we are quite encouraged,” said Lively.

The specially-designed computer is set up to automatically show words to pictures that Charlie selects on the screen in order to allow him to form simple sentences. For instance, if Charlie selected pictures of a reaching hand, a banana, and a mouth, the simple sentence would say “I would like a banana to eat.”

Charlie can then take the sentence, hit the special highlighting button, and then hit the specific “Send to Mary” button and his request will automatically send to Lively’s computer. “The learning curve is huge,” said Lively, “but little by little, we are confident that Charlie will find his voice.”

One anomaly that Lively finds potentially disturbing is that Charlie’s inbox has been receiving quite a few spam messages urging him to log onto sites of a pornographic nature. “It’s become routine for me to have to go into Charlie’s laptop several times a day and check to make sure that Charlie isn’t exposed to any media, especially explicit photos, that would confuse Charlie and compromise the progress he is making," said Lively. "We are already seeing him using new, inappropriate signs, like balling up his hands into fists, holding them at each side and thrusting his pelvis in a 'to and fro' manner, which is highly suggestive."

Although many of the messages from Charlie that land in Lively’s inbox are not yet easily understood by Lively, such as “touch to chest woman,” and “unlock mother control no child,” Lively truly believes Charlie is communicating with her and is hopeful that before long, they will be able to communicate as easily as anyone else. “When that day comes,” says Lively, “we’re going to set Charlie up with his very own Facebook page.”

Virgin Mary Likeness Found in Mexican Meth Lab Stain

Unconfirmed reports out of Mexico are claiming that a stain on a bench in a meth lab located in the small town of Arre Pentido bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Villagers have flocked to the meth lab to view the image for themselves and to pray for miracles. Lines have formed with people bearing candles, flowers and statues of the Virgin Mary to place at the site of the image.

It is believed that the first miracle has already shown itself in the fact that the person who first witnessed the image, a man working alone at the time, reportedly fell to his knees as if in a trance and began praying just before he set about smashing all of the equipment in the lab, vowing to return to a life without crime.

Jesús (pronounced Hezus) Carpintero, the 23-year old worker at the lab when the alleged stain appeared, spoke from his jail cell about the discovery and what led to his arrest. In rapid speech, Jesús recounted his story. “I thought I was just getting high from the fumes when I saw the virgin in the stain,” he said, “but the more I looked at it, the more it started to look like her and then it seemed as if she spoke to me. She called me Jesús, which really freaked me out, you know? Because my name is Jesús and she said Jesús, lay down the drugs and give your life to Christ, which really freaked me out because, like it was like Jesús giving his life to Jesús, you know? And that’s when I passed out.”

When asked what else he remembered, Jesús recalled, “when I came to, the stain was still there and there were all these people trying to crawl over me and get to the stain to place candles at the site and to pray, and the police were handcuffing me and I realized that I had smashed everything in the place, and destroyed the meth lab and I was sore afraid of my boss finding out, but all I can remember at that point was trying to figure out if I was Jesús or if Jesús was me.”

Then, Jesús looked away for a minute and when he spoke again, the glow about him was diminished and he sounded more like the common criminal most knew him as. Realizing that he was being held for criminal activities, he continued cautiously. “I will never forget what I think I saw, although I cannot remember much more than that now, and even now, I’m not sure if I even was in a meth lab or just in my bedroom when the police mistook me for some guy who makes meth. But now I’m pretty sure this all is a big mistake,” he said before refusing to speak to anyone else about his ordeal.

Each day, the devoted return to visit the stain. They remove the boards that have been placed over the doors and windows of the meth lab shack so that they may gain entry into the proclaimed holy site. When told of the supposed miracle, Padre Filipe Iguales Calderon, the village priest, crossed himself, and pointed to a half dozen other known meth labs in the village and said, “Come see me as well, Blessed Mother; let me show you around my country, err town.”

Health Alert: Counterfeit Chinese Condoms Recalled

After reading this story, there will be true dilemmas playing out all over America--in bedrooms, on living room couches, in the back seat of daddy’s sedan or Tiger Woods’ Escalade—do I or don’t I take a chance with that pack of rubbers I just bought in bulk at Sam’s Club and the Dollar Store?

That’s right, yet another “Made in China” product has copulators all over America scrambling to their nearest Rx Center for more expensive, less lethal prophylactics that will hopefully keep them one step away from parenthood or worse (do we really need to go there?), and the customs agents who scored a few thousand condoms for their personal stash scrambling to health clinics under assumed names.

But don’t be quick to thank the U.S. Customs agents for vigilance in discovering the counterfeit condoms that until recently have been gracing shelves in Texas, New York and Virginia. No sir, that would mean that our system works. Rather, thank Chinese authorities themselves for spreading the word (among other things) about condoms produced in the Hunan Province since last March--yes, if junior or princess was a Christmas baby, you may just have the Red Star Condom Manufacturers of China to thank.

Although it’s reported that the defective condoms have been pulled from shelves by U.S. government agents, it’s a pretty sure bet that not only folks who bought in bulk, but also those out–of-the-way truck stops that don’t see the volume of traffic at their restroom condom machines as the more mainstream ones still have the counterfeit defective condoms laying around.

Therefore, everyone in America is asked to heed this warning issued by the Chinese Government: If you have condoms that say 法國備忘錄 which is loosely translated to “French that the tickle does,” or 取笑為樂趣 “so sure that rib to please you,” do not use them. They are defective and potentially dangerous to use due to the fact that they’ve been lubricated with ordinary vegetable oil and not the standard, less dangerous, “virgin” olive oil.

Supreme Court Ruling Has Far-reaching Effect on Summer Television Programming

The major television stations, i.e. Fox, CBS, NBC and ABC have all announced plans to drastically cut regular programming beginning in July of this year in order to make room for the onslaught of corporate-backed political advertising set to gain full steam around that time. The networks are reportedly taking early bids for prime-time air time from such corporations as AT&T, BlueCross/Blue Shield, Pfizer, Bank of America, AIG, and others in order to accommodate corporate America’s plans to take advantage of the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing them to spend unfettered amounts of advertising dollars to ensure senators of their choice will be placed in office come November.

In addition to not being able to catch up on re-runs of their favorite shows this summer, television viewers will also have to wait until later in November for the beginning of the new fall season, an event that normally would begin in September. That includes Super Saturday Spectacular previews for children as well. For this year, at least, political advertisements will air right alongside ads for the latest GI Joe and Barbie offerings, but new episodes of Dora the Explorer and Spongebob are going to have to wait until sometime in December.

Those who get their news from network television stations are also going to find that their regularly scheduled morning, afternoon and evening news shows, both nationally and locally-produced, will be pre-empted in order to allow enough time for all the ads to air. Said one network executive, “we’re going to do what we can to accommodate all the advertisers, but even with taking all the news shows and other entertainment off the air for a good portion of the year won’t be enough to allow everyone a shot at some advertising time. In order for us to give at least a small portion of the ad time to the candidates themselves, groups such as the AFL-CIO, Public Service Organizations and other groups with less of an advertising budget will more than likely get shut out this season and we regret this to some extent.”

Asked why all the programming has to go and whether or not the networks are worried that cowtowing to corporate interests above those of the American viewing public may backfire, one executive had this to say, “First of all, it doesn’t have to go, but when looking at our bottom line, we realized that it would be inherently more lucrative to offer up what airtime we have to advertising dollars, rather than fill the time with mindless entertainment. And, in case you haven’t noticed,” he continued, “we are owned by corporate America, and it is becoming increasingly evident that when corporate America speaks, we all need to sit down and listen.” Maybe so. It just won’t be in front of our favorite shows this coming summer and fall.