National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott Gaining Momentum

While the Tea Baggers are busy off rallying for their causes, the Populist Party has come up with what they believe is a more effective way to get the attention of big corporate interests to pay attention to just how unhappy their workers are. It’s called the National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott and it’s scheduled to happen on September 3, 2010.

Basically, what this will do if enough workers decide to join the ranks, regardless of their political affiliation, is to show the corporations how little can be accomplished when the minions are not at work making everything run smoothly, which, in turn, makes the companies boatloads of money.

Imagine if you will corporate Presidents and CEOs forced to make their own coffee and run their own copies. As much of a temptation it would be to show up for work just to watch them try and fix a paper jam in the copier or, God forbid, change the toner, the fact that you just know there are scores of corporate executives on that day wearing white shirts totally covered in black toner will make for a very enjoyable day off of work.

While not everyone can afford to take the day off, such as day laborers who need every penny they can earn, if a significant number of workers do decide to get the ‘minion flu’ it could just send a message loud and clear that unless we see an increase in our salaries that are more in line with the type of work we do, we may just get sick a whole lot more often. But for now, one day can make all the difference in the world.

Interestingly, National Stay Home from Work Day coincides with National Treat Yourself to a Leisurely Lunch day. It might be fun to head on over to your bosses’ favorite lunch spots and watch from a distance as they try and order for themselves for a change. Just a thought.

Sarah Palin Hails President Obama at Beck Rally

Sarah Palin gave a surprise second speech Saturday at Glenn Beck’s “Restore Honor” rally in Washington, D.C. In it, she praised President Obama for finally bringing our combat troops home from Iraq.

“As a mother of a combat soldier,” I want to thank President Obama personally for seeing to it that my son’s life and the lives of the soldiers still living are finally home safe and sound from Iraq. There has been too much bloodshed already. That is what this rally is all about.”

When Glenn beck was told of the secondary speech, however, he was not pleased. “Jesus God in Heaven,” said Beck. “I got outside to load up on corn dogs and curly fries and come back to find out that my number two speaker has just given a second speech. Boy, you have to spell everything out for that Palin woman. Number two speaker just means she’s second in line to me, not that she gets two whacks at giving a speech.”

Beck went on. “I just hope she’s smart enough to realize which of the Jiffy Johns are for #1 and #2, cause these corn dogs can sure cause some distress.”

Sarah Palin Claims She Can Be as Apolitical as the Next Politician

As Glenn Beck’s sidekick for Saturday’s highly-hyped event “Restoring Honor Rally” expected to draw lots of white people to the nation’s capital on the 47^th anniversary of one of the most significant events in black history, Sarah Palin says for that one weekend, she’s going apolitical.

That’s right. Sarah Palin plans on speaking to the crowd as an everyday citizen, not as someone who is potentially running for office of President of the United States. How she is going to pull off this amazing bait and switch is anyone’s guess, but suffice it to say, if anyone can do it, Sarah can. She has the money to hire some of the best speech writers in the business. She’s just hoping the weather cooperates and it’s not too humid in D.C. this weekend so the notes on the palms of her hands don’t run.

Sarah twittered yesterday “No p-ticks this wkend. Just Am prid(e).”

Asked if she was a part of Beck’s decision to hold this rally on this particular day, Sarah responded that she wasn’t even aware of the date of King’s “I Have a Dream” speech. In fact, she claims she always thought he gave that speech in Memphis and then died. “So, I don’t understand,” said Sarah, “what all the fuss is about. It’s not like we’re taking our rally to Memphis or anything.”

John McCain: Don't Believe Anything I Say Anymore

In a bold move to assure his re-election as Arizona state senator in November, John McCain has adopted a new stance on everything. He’s even claiming that he never was a maverick even though there are hours of news footage of him during the 2008 election campaign totally embracing and even bragging about the title that was given him, even allowing his sidekick Sarah to call him that a few times on the campaign trail.

McCain now says he never was comfortable with the title. In fact, everything he stood for then, he probably doesn’t stand for now, but don’t press him on it. It just makes him jittery. Like Joe Lieberman, John McCain figures if he sits on the fence long enough, he pretty much can say what he wants and if one group doesn’t agree with him, he can side with the others, and if the other side doesn’t agree, well, just flip those legs over and face in the opposite direction.

Says McCain “I’m getting to the point where even I don’t know what I believe in anymore, so the bottom line is, if you want more of the same and don’t care really how I vote as long as I show up to vote on issues, then vote for me. I won’t let you down, and if I do, well, that’s the price you pay for groceries these days.”

Chief Standing Wolf Takes on Rush Limbaugh After 'Injuns' Comment

FORT APACHE, Arizona - Watch out Rush Limbaugh. Chief Standing Wolf, who earlier this year made certain promises to rid Arizona of non-Native Americans if they didn’t repeal their white man laws allowing only English-speaking people in their state, is on the war path again. This time, it’s Rush Limbaugh that has the Apache leader seeing red.

Standing Wolf spoke on Fort Apache radio station WIND (INDigenous Radio): “A man named Rush is worthy of his name. He rushes to judgment of a people who are proud. We do not care for his words. We will stand against his words. One day, Rush, you will understand the true way, and when you do, it will be too late.”

Upon hearing  Standing Wolf’s words, Rush Limbaugh said “what?” due to the fact that he doesn’t speak Apache. However, he then just laughed it off, lit another cigar and went onto his next topic, those worthless Meshicanos. Said Rush “why do I waste my time on the Injuns when there are just so many others to attack. I say to Standing Wolf, ‘sir, until you become a pale face and embrace the white man’s way, you won’t have two buffalo nickels to rub together,” to which he added “that ought to make that Injun think twice about taking on ole Chief Rush Limbaugh.”

Pentagon Buys J.D. Salinger’s Toilet for $1 Million

The Pentagon today announced that in keeping with the President’s unofficial request to keep spending to a minimum, it would henceforth be purchasing many items used from the popular auction site, eBay at considerably less than they would cost if bought outright from government contractors. In fact, the House Appropriations Committee has declared eBay an official government supply contractor from here on out.

The first purchase under this new edict was J.D. Salinger’s toilet for the bargain-basement price of $1 Million dollars. Pentagon requisition chief, Hoobie Cheeper said today that their bid beat out many others and everyone at the Pentagon were celebrating the purchase. “Do you know what toilets cost from Xe, the company formerly known as Blackwater? Upwards of two mil each,” said Cheeper, and that’s without the seat. The seat usually costs another $200,000. It got to the point where were having to install toilets in all the latrines without seats.

In the same block of auctions, the Pentagon also picked up a dozen used Bic pens from the Salinger collection for $50,000 for the lot, and several steno pads at $25 apiece. Although the steno pads had writing on them, the government just couldn’t pass up the bargain and said they could use the other sides of the paper for important message writing and appropriations budget memos.

Army Sergeant 1^st Class Hugh Binhad has been assigned to special eBay duty to scout the boards daily for bargains like that of the Salinger toilet. “With a budget of a gob of money,” says Binhad, “I’m sure to be able to outfit the Pentagon with some really neat stuff.”

Forget Doomsday Prophecies; Beer Prices are Skyrocketing

Another Friday the 13th came and went without incident. It's as if the Universe doesn't take itself seriously anymore. Mars can run retrograde and Saturn can be humping Venus (relatively speaking of course) and still life goes on without so much as a blip.

Until now. Quietly staying behind in the shadows was the bad news of the century waiting its turn to slap the face of every serious beer guzzler out there. Thursday's business section, August 12th, jumping the gun on every conceivable Friday the 13th doomsday scenario, "The price of a pint may be going up 40%!"

Forget killer bugs, killer storms and the worst oil spill in history. What we're faced with now is an alcoholic tsunami unlike any we've ever seen in history. Without cheap beer to get us through these tough times, we are basically screwed.

When the economy is bad, beer has always been there to help us out of the abyss, to make things seem alright even if only for a short time while we lay sprawled on the floor of some pub, oblivious to the terrible disasters occurring around us. If we awoke with a feeling of dread, we just hobbled down to the quickie mart and bought some more brain balm and again, the world was rosy.

But brain balm is now gonna cost more and with the economy the way it is, some are going to have to forego essentials like rent and groceries to keep the malty medicament flowing. Oh, make no mistake, we'll find the money somehow. Sell our blood or a kidney, rob a bank, hit the folks up for their social security checks first of the month. The money will find its way to the barkeeps' tills one way or another, but wouldn't it be nice, just once, to hear this bit of news, "Beer prices down this quarter, drinks all around."