Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.”

Before he could even ask, Cloris leapt about a foot into the air and yelled “Yesh, oh yesh, yesh, yesh,” with tears rolling down the side of her face. “Thash the one.”

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, people in Greece had stopped complaining to their government about cuts in their retirement salaries. Most were willing to go back to work until they were nearer to retirement age like most other countries.

Children in Somalia were waking up to full breakfasts and the Red Cross had enough money to feed and clothe even the poorest of nations on earth.

The Republicans were apologizing to the Democrats for the way they’d been acting. The world, as a whole was at peace and the only thing that seemed to be causing any pain at all was Cloris’ tooth.

There was a miracle taking place around the world and the only reasonable explanation was the fact that Satan had totally immersed himself into inflicting pain on one poor creature by the name of Cloris Zucker.

Back in Sweetwater, Texas, the dental assistant was readying a cart with all the necessary tools to extract the offending tooth so that Cloris could have her life back. As the dentist asked Cloris to lean her head back and allow him to check one last time, he heard a small but mighty guttural voice “The tooth is mine, do you hear me? The tooth is mine.”

The dentist pulled back, trembling in fear. Was this really happening? Was that tooth speaking to him? He bent down again to get a closer look, and felt a small but powerful hand grab his index finger. The demon within the tooth bit the dentist and drew blood. The dentist reared back in pain a strange foreboding crossed his brow.

“I’m sorry Ms. Zucker, but I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. The devil is residing in your tooth and that is what is causing all the pain. He refuses to let me extract him.”

At that moment, it all began to make sense to Cloris. The peace on earth, the balancing of the federal budget and new found love for President Obama, the end of the drought in Texas, it all came down to one thing. Satan was so busy causing Cloris pain in the form of an abscessed tooth that he had given up on making the rest of the world suffer. She was a heroine. If she had the tooth pulled, who knew what devastation the earth would endure.

Cloris unselfishly told the dentist to put the instruments down and get out his prescription pad.

“Write me a prescription for some more pain pills doc,” she said as she took off the dribble bib, got out of the dentist chair, and proudly walked out into a glorious Texas rainstorm.

Banks Offering Special 2012 “End Days” Savings Accounts

The Federal Reserve has cleared the way for all major banks and credit unions to begin offering their customers special savings accounts known as “End Days Savers Accounts.”  These accounts work the same way as Christmas Club savings accounts with a higher rate of interest for the short-duration accounts.

The only drawback is you cannot use the money in the account to buy gifts, but instead must spend the money on various disaster relief items such as gas masks, extra gasoline and canned food items.

Candice Entwhistle, special accounts manager at Wagons Ho Savings and Loan in Wichita, Kansas says she has already opened over a hundred new End Days accounts just in the past two weeks. “Here in Kansas, we have lots of folks who believe very strongly in the prophesies and, while they hope they’ll be raptured, they also want to be prepared just in case by having the means to buy the necessary items to get them through at least the first part of the great tribulation.”

End Days accounts offer a unique feature that sets them apart from Christmas accounts. Owners of the accounts can name a person they would like to receive the funds in the account on the off chance that the account holder does get raptured. “That way,” said Ms. Entwhistle, “the money doesn’t go to the bank or to a lost funds account, but to a relative who may not have lived a Godly life while here on earth. That money might just bring a little peace of mind to someone who believes with all their heart that they will be caught up in the rapture but will unfortunately be forced to leave behind some sinful kin. It’s a win-win,” said Entwhistle.

The special End Days savings accounts with a 0.055% interest rate can be opened beginning on December 26, 2011 and, if all goes according to plan, can be closed out the week of December 16, 2012 in time for the end of the world, which is currently predicted to take place on December 21, 2012.

Rare Weather Occurrence in Central Texas Creates Venus-Like Atmosphere

The build-up of heat in the atmosphere over Central Texashas created a rare series of rainless rainstorms akin to those witnessed aboveVenus.

“It’s a rainstorm, but without the rain,” claimsmeteorologist Cliff Dunnow, who says the rare weather occurrence makes duststorms look like monkey play, “or something similar,” he said.

Just exactly what monkey play has to do with weather isalso a complete mystery. At any rate, virgas, totally unrelated to Viagra orvirgins, are clouds that have plenty of rain in them, but in the form of icecrystals. When the crystals get heavy and fall, they hit the heat of theatmosphere and evaporate, so that it rains, just not on the ground.

“It’s one of God’s cruelest jokes played on the people ofTexas,” Dunnow said. “They keep praying for rain, see a storm approaching andthink to themselves ‘wow, finally,’ only to have the rain evaporate about 100feet above their heads.”

The weather pattern is expected to last a day or two,just long enough for the folks living in Central Texas to threaten to pick upsticks and move the hell out of the state. Meanwhile, Dunnow is asking anyonewho actually witnesses a regular rainstorm to call his office immediately as hesays a good old-fashioned downpour has become even rarer in Texas than thevirga.

Patti Stanger Claims Gays Can’t Help Being Sex Fiends

Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, appeared on Bravo’sWatch What Happens Live and didn’tdisappoint. Well, to be fair, she did disappoint the host, Andy Cohen, anduntold millions of gays across the country, but she didn’t disappoint herparents.

Stanger made it a point to make sure everyone who didn’tknow anything about the gay lifestyle was brought up to date on every gaystereotype she could cram into the half hour show, including the one about gaysbeing sex fiends.

“My mom and dad were horrified to find out I was doingmatchmaking for gays,” said Stanger when asked what made her start includinggays in her Millionaire’s Club. “I just wanted to include everyone, even thosewho I knew were going to be trouble from the beginning,” she said, referring toher monogamous rule. “Those gay boys just can’t keep their pee pees in theirpants,” said Stanger pointing to her vagina then Cohen’s crotch, apologizing. “And,”she said, “they give me a meshuga headache.”

When Cohen (who is openly gay) told Stanger that heactually was looking for a monogamous relationship, Stanger told him, “Yeah, Andy,like I’m gonna believe you. All Jewish men lie.”

Cohen knew he’d be sorry for asking but he went ahead andasked Stanger why her parents were so afraid of her trying to fix gay men andwomen up with each other. “Oh that,” said Stanger, “they thought I was gonnacatch you-know-what.”

“What?” said Cohen? “Gayness?”

At one point Cohen’s eyes rolled so far up into his headthat they had to pause the “live” button, take Cohen back stage and allow hiseyes to roll back down on their own.

“We were very scared when that happened,” said a stagecrew member. “This had never happened before.” Cohen was later asked what happenedand he said “I don’t know. I think I just had my share of incredulous and Icouldn’t control my eyeballs anymore.” Cohen then pleaded with the producers “Please,don’t make me interview Patti Stanger ever again. She’s just a whack job, and Idon’t mean that in a sexual way, at all.”

Stanger has since apologized for her comments about gaysand Jews on the show and has even invited to help match Andy Cohen with one ofher gay/Jewish Millionaire Club members. Cohen was rushed to the emergencyroom, this time because his eyes wouldn’t come back down on their own.

Herman Cain’s ‘Free Pizza for Votes’ Campaign Big Success in Florida

Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain is on cloud nine after winning the Florida Straw Poll by a wide margin. “Cain’s 37% beat Rick Perry by a mile,” said Zelda Hoppingale, of Hallandale, Florida. Hoppingale, 36, traveled with a group of fellow Tea Party delegates to Orlando, Florida for the Fox televised debate on Thursday and stayed over to catch the results of the straw poll.

“We like Perry and all,” said Hoppingale, “you know, cause he’s cute and all. But when we heard that Herman Cain was giving out free pizzas if we voted for him, well that clinched the deal, especially since I just lost my job and used every last cent I had traveling over to Orlando to see the debate.”

Hoppingale’s friend, Marge Schuster was a bit less enthusiastic. “I was all for this trip at first,” said Marge, “but on Friday night, we went to the Hess gas station near where we were staying and gave them our coupon for a free personal-size Godfather pizza. I gotta tell ya, even for free pizza, the stuff was pretty bad.” Schuster would not disclose who she voted for in the straw poll.

“I know I was supposed to vote for that Herman Cain guy,” she said, “but something in the pit of my stomach (she laughed) made me go for a non-pizza gifting candidate.”Asked once more who it was that  got her vote, Shuster said, “I’m not really sure of his name but I do know that he’s the one with a big fat Tiffany’s account.”

Sarah Palin Denies Having the Hots for Jesus as a Teen

John the Baptist(Poster Hanging On Sarah Palin's Wall
as a Teen)

In his newly released book Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, Levi Johnston doesn’t pull any punches. Johnston paints an even uglier picture of the woman that would someday be President of the United States than writer Joe McGinnis in his book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin.

Palin has come out swinging on both guys as she hotly contests the contents of each book, calling both authors flat-out liars.

Zeroing in on Johnston, Palin categorically denied she had the hots for Jesus as a teen. Appearing at a recent fundraiser held by the Christian Crusaders Coalition of Cackleberry, South Carolina, Palin remarked on this particular claim.

“Sure, like all my Christian girlfriends, I thought he was pretty cute,” she said of Jesus, “and I have to say that John the Baptist was ruggedly handsome in an Alaskan wilderness sort of way. But saying I had a crush on Jesus, well, that’s just going a bit far.” Palin did admit, however, that instead of hanging the usual pop idol posters in her bedroom during her teen years, her walls were plastered with photos of Jesus and John the Baptist.

“Oh goodness no, it wasn’t because they had long hair and beards and looked like Kenny Loggins,” said Palin. “They were just good saintly men who just happened to have a heapin’ helpin’ of handsomeness.”

Palin did claim that she tried like heck to get her husband, Todd, to grow his hair long when they started dating. “It was a no go,” she said. “I had to settle for Todd looking more like Robert Goulet than Jesus.”

Additional Fine Wipes Smug-Ass Look off Casey Anthony’s Face

Friday was a good day for justice as the same judge who, just a week earlier, imposed a fine on Casey Anthony of nearly $100,000, doubled that amount and then some, bringing her debt to society up to $217,000.

The vision of Casey Anthony smiling while being acquitted of a crime most are sure she committed was instantly erased when Judge Belvin Perry heaped an additional $120,000 on the previous fine to pay for investigation costs due to Casey leading law enforcement officers on a wild goose chase. Proving once again that “money talks, bullshit walks.”

“She ain’t never gonna be able to pay that back,” said Casey’s mother, who informed reporters that the Mexican sugar daddy who previously offered to take Casey in and make her his whore, reneged on the deal upon hearing of the additional fine. “He says the drug trade is good in Mexico, but he could have two whores for that price,” she sighed deeply.

Even the money Anthony was offered to appear in the movie Trailer Trash Nymphos won’t be enough to cover her debts. Her father is afraid Casey will have to again resort to lies and theft to get the money.

“There is no doubt in my mind that my little princess can come up with that kind of cash,” said Casey’s daddy, disagreeing with his less-hopeful wife, “but she’s gonna have to work a lot harder on her body if she wants to do any more film work.”