Cloak of Death Nets $1M at Sotheby's Auction

New York, NY – The New York office of Sotheby’s has disclosed that the original Cloak of Death, worn by Death himself, has been auctioned off for the amazing sum of $1M. The cloak was reportedly put up for auction by the heirs of one of the last surviving members of Hitler’s Third Reich, who wanted nothing to do with the cloak’s dark history.

According to stories surrounding the cloak, anyone who comes in contact with it eventually dies. “It could be days, weeks, months, even years, but eventually, you are going to die if you come in contact with this cloak. It is the most evil piece of clothing I have ever encountered,” said the seller of the cloak. “The proof of this lies in the fact that I am an heir of the estate of the last owner of the horrible shroud. He had to die before I could inherit it. I am hoping to cheat death by auctioning the cloak off before it can affect me and cause my death as well.”

The name of the purchaser of this infamous shroud was not immediately known. A ghost bidder was sent in his place to ensure his anonymity. However, sources close to Sotheby’s have indicated that the highest bid came from a resident of Casper, Wyoming. Without giving too much information, the spokesperson indicated that this mystery buyer has a history of buying infamous tools of torture for his collection, including several stakes used by Vlad the Impaler (the original Dracula) to impale his enemies during the 15th Century, several torture racks used during the famous Spanish Inquisition and lesser known Portuguese and Roman Inquisitions, and quite a handsome collection of old rusty dental implements.

In addition to torture equipment, the collector is said to possess some of the most rare and hard-to-find books ever written on the subject of torture, including the “Handbook for Inquisitors” written in 1578; “No Respect for Martyrs” written by Drew Asword in 1758; and the more recent “Tools That Make Them Talk” written in 1944 by Heinrich Munchinhausen, while languishing in his hideaway in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

It is said that Death continues to search for his cloak, and once he finds it, will wreak havoc on all those who bought and sold it so recklessly. To escape this wrath, the owner has to prove that he is just as evil, if not more so, than Death himself. Could this recent purchase be the end of the curse of the Cloak of Death?

Counter-Protester Turns to Cannibalism

Kayotic City, CA – Things turned ugly Wednesday night at a gathering of citizens in favor of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, when a counter-protester ran up to one of the march participants and bit off the tip of his finger. The victim, Phil Langes, was rushed to Los Rabies Hospital and Medical Center’s emergency room; however, the finger tip could not be sewn back on due to the fact that the man who bit it off appears to have swallowed it.

Michael Savage, no relation to Michael Savage, the biter, was arrested on charges of assault and cannibalism and was being held in the Los Angeles County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bond. When asked why he did it, Savage replied “He (Langes) was wagging his finger in my face as I was yelling at him to bite me. In the heat of the moment, my teeth caught his finger and I bit it off unintentionally.” He added, “Ironic, huh?”

A background check conducted on Savage uncovered that this isn’t the first time he’s consumed human flesh. According to a 1988 police report filed in Carnestoga, MD, Savage was accused of taking a bite out of his girlfriend’s neck about the size of a quarter. Although he claims that incident was also an accident (Savage claims it was a love bite gone horribly wrong), he was found guilty of domestic violence and cannibalism and sentenced to 30 days in County Jail.

The victim of Wednesday’s biting incident claims that had he known he was wagging fresh meat in the face of a cannibal, he would have backed off and kept his hands in his pockets. It is possible that the meal Mr. Langes consumed prior to attending the local march could have had something to do with the incident as well. “I had a plate of the most succulent ribs you’ll ever taste just about a half hour before joining in the march. Obviously, I didn’t clean my hands well enough before leaving the restaurant and the cannibal was unable to restrain himself,” said Langes.

According to Clarice Lamb, Los Angeles Assistant Prosecuting Attorney, California has a “three strikes, you’re out” policy. “If Mr. Savage is caught biting anyone else in the future, he could be looking at life in prison,”

In another bizarre twist to this incident, it was reported that due to the fact that Phil Langes did not have health insurance to cover his injuries, a Los Rabies Hospital spokesperson advised that Mr. Langes will have to receive his follow up care at County Hospital. Langes stated “This is precisely why we need nationalized health care. I get bit by some whacko and I can’t even get adequate medical follow up care.”

Candy Throwing Incident at White House Further Strains US/Afghanistan Relations

Relations between Afghanistan and the United States were further strained last week due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving President Obama and the Afghani leader, Hamid Karzai.

The incident happened in the Oval office as the two were just sitting down to discuss what could be done to repair broken ties between the two countries. Evidently, taking his cue from the U.S. summer hit television show “Dating in the Dark,” Karzai took out a box of smoked salt caramels (Obama’s favorite candy) and proceeded to hurl them one at a time in the direction of the President. Unable to fend off the barrage of confections, Obama took direct hits on the side of his nose as well as to the corner of his left eye.

Upon hearing Obama’s cries for help, secret service officers rushed into the room in time to witness Obama diving under his presidential desk, as Karzai continued to lob the candy in his direction.

Karzai was taken into custody and upon interrogation, gave this account of the incident. “I love American television and I watch it every day. When I saw the episode on ‘Dating in the Dark,’ where one girl took a piece of candy and threw it at another girl and hit her in the face, I thought that throwing candy was a sign of affection in America. I found out that President Obama’s favorite candy comes from Fran’s Chocolates in Seattle, and I had my secretary secure a box of the caramels so that I could throw them to him during our meeting.” He continued, “I do not know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like I threw a shoe at President Obama. I thought I was honoring him by pelting him with his favorite treats.”

Once Karzai was restrained, the officers went back into the Oval Office to find Obama still hunkered down under his desk, chewing on one of the offending missiles. “At least Hamid threw the correct candy,” Obama mused. “God forbid he would throw ordinary Kraft caramels at me.”

“The President was pretty banged up,” one of the officers commented. “He looked like he had just gotten out of the ring with Joe Louis. He is gonna have one hell of a shiner come tomorrow morning.”

The meeting between Obama and Karzai was cancelled and a new meeting date was not announced. “We need to take a close look at this incident to determine whether President Karzai’s excuse that he thought throwing candy at someone in America was considered an act of endearment, or whether he intentionally meant to harm the President,” said a White House spokesperson. “Until we can assure the complete safety of President Obama, there will be no more meetings between him and Karzai.”

When asked if he’ll be more careful about the American shows he watches in the future, Karzai had this to say, “No, I’m sorry to say, that I am hooked on American television. I am looking forward with great interest to season 8 of the series “24.” There is so much good stuff on that show, I don’t miss an episode.” With that, Karzai was whisked away to the airport and his flight home to Afghanistan.

Glenn Beck Show Saved by "Good Ol' Boy" Advertisers

Those of you worried that your favorite television hate slinger won’t be around much longer on the Fox News Channel needn’t lose any sleep. Glenn Beck is cashing in his chips from some big supporters, without whom he wouldn’t have a show.

Fox is getting flooded with calls from the very industries that made Beck the redneck household name that he is. Gun manufacturers, bail bondsmen, taxidermists, hunting dog puppy mills, and hunting suppliers from all over America are coming to Beck’s aid, offering to buy up advertising spots on his show in fifteen second increments to keep him on the air.

There are so many companies in line to purchase ad time on Beck’s show that Fox has had to form a lottery, allowing hopeful advertisers to put their name in the proverbial huntin’ cap for a shot at getting one of the highly prized spots. Most of the companies vying for the spots are cottage industries, and as such, do not even have an advertising budget, but they are asking their friends, families and customers to pitch in whatever they can afford to come up with the hundreds of thousands of dollars needed to keep Beck on the air.

“Skeet” Newby of Skeet’s Shooters Emporium in Joplin, Missouri had this to say about Beck, “Oh my God, I can’t imagine a day without listening to Glenn Beck. His words speak straight to my heart. Me and my family is going to do everything we can to help ol’ Glenn out, even if it means putting a second mortgage on the trailer.” There are hundreds more out there in America doing what they can to keep the Glenn Beck Show alive on Fox.

One major gun aficionado magazine “Cocked and Loaded” has expressed a desire to buy up all the spots in the first half hour of Beck’s show in order to air some pretty comical ads featuring the talking dog “AK-47.” While they weren’t specific on what the ads would depict, a spokesperson did give a few hints by saying that the spots would have everyone rolling in the aisles. “A talking dog with a southern accent and the baby shooting the gun is something that will appeal to most of Beck’s supporters,” said Karl Drove, head of the magazine’s marketing department.

Sources close to Beck have leaked the names of a few more companies that have put in their bids for this most coveted airtime. From smokeless tobacco companies to manufactured home dealers, anyone associated with the “Proud to Be a Redneck” movement are stepping forward to help good ol’ Glenn stay on the air. “In fact, we just received word today that the Southern Alliance of Thank You Jesus Our Lord and Savior Church Amalgamation has promised to turn over next month’s entire offerings from every church in the tri-state area to help keep Beck on the air,” said Sally Pittles, Beck’s private assistant.

Rascal Smitts of Rascal’s Camo and Ammo in Great Forge, Arkansas says he’s been listening to Glenn Beck for a couple of years now and credits Beck with getting the word out on the importance of owning guns. “Especially in today’s mixed up political world, where socialism seems to be making a comeback, it’s nice to know that someone gets it,” said Rascal. “I mean, things are getting to the point where you need to arm yourself at these political rallies to show who is still boss. I mean, for Chrissake, we have a guy with the name Hussein in office. Thank goodness we have Glenn Beck to remind us just how angry we should all be about that.”

Although Glenn Beck couldn’t be reached for comment, sources close to Beck say that he knew all along his supporters would come through for him and he’s more determined than ever to keep this country as divided as he can for as long as the ad revenues roll in.

Stupidity Has Reached Gigantic Proportions in US

*No Guns Were Used in the Writing of This Blog*

Today, I’m not going to write the typical smart-ass column where I put a comical slant on some news article I read. Nope, today, it’s the real deal. I’m so disturbed about what I just read that I have to get this out or it’ll eat away at me.

Some crazed gun rights fanatics have taken to bringing their guns to protest rallies where the President of the United States is speaking. I’m referring to the latest incident where some idiot decided it was ok to bring a fully loaded assault rifle to one such event in Phoenix, AZ where President Obama was addressing the Veterans of Foreign Wars National Convention.

I cannot fathom this type of blatant ignorance. I’m honestly trying to understand where these people are coming from, but can’t. Is it just a select few who are cocked and ready to shoot? Or is it a bigger problem? And why are we, as a supposedly civilized society, allowing these whack jobs to exercise their right to bear arms in such an irresponsible way?

I do believe a lot of this has to do with the hate mongers on television and radio who are inciting people with half a brain to go out and assert their “white” rights. I’ll name them by name: Michael Savage, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, and Sean Hannity, not to mention the people on local AM radio stations in racist southern states. It’s getting ugly folks. I am afraid that the ugliness in some Americans is starting to show its face in extremes we’ve not seen since the race riots in decades past. And it would not surprise me if Dick Cheney and Karl Rove are behind some of this as well. You cannot get any whiter than those boys.

I only hope that good will trump evil and intelligence will overcome ignorance, but from what I saw in today’s news, it’s not looking too promising and that scares the hell out of me. The Christians today talk about the end times and to me, the end times are signaled by exactly this type of behavior. I only hope that enough people have enough sense to do what they can to try and counteract this insane behavior before many people needlessly get hurt.

Glenn Beck - Tears of a Rodeo Clown

Say what you will, but it takes a big man with big clown pants to admit he’s an idiot. That is what Glenn Beck intends to do live on air this week folks. That’s right, he’s gonna get down on his hands and knees and kiss the behind of every ad exec from NY to LA in an attempt to save his pitiful butt from cancellation. A spokesperson for Geico--the latest in a line of companies to pull their ads from Beck’s show, including Proctor & Gamble, SC Johnson and Progressive Insurance--has indicated the reason they are pulling their ads is because of Beck’s deep-seated hatred for geckos. “Beck hates color, and our little gecko is a pretty colorful guy.” she said.

Sources close to Beck say he admits he may have taken it a bit too far by attacking the gecko. “I didn’t realize how many people like that gecko,” he said. “Who knew? When that gecko started talking change and hope, well, I just lost it.” At which point he was reminded that we were talking salamanders not leaders of nations.

No one is sure how this is going to play out. With major advertising money being diverted to other news shows, Beck may be forced into AM Radio. There are rumors that if he does get canned from Fox, he’s going to team up with G. Gordon Liddy, “the G-Man” and give Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage a run for their money. “Hate radio is big, big, big, and the way I look at it, there is a sea of ignorance out there waiting for my tutelage. I’ll get my message out any way I can,” said Beck.

True to form, the Gecko, when asked for a comment about all this simply said “can’t we all just get along?”

Vegetarianism Taking Over

Vegetarianism is expected to increase within the next few years due to recent viral outbreaks linked to the consumption of meat. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), we could see a “perfect storm” of contagious diseases as outbreaks of the avian flu (poultry), mad cow disease (beef), swine flu (pork) and salmonella (fish) are all expected to occur within the same time frame sometime within the next two years.

There has already been an increase in toilet sales in anticipation of the mega-outbreak. Some families are urged to turn extra home space into multiple stall bathrooms as family members prepare for the effects of the flu as well as the effects that will come from the changeover from meat to roughage.

Not to be confused with commodes, the commodities market is expected to soar as foods such as corn, broccoli, and soybeans make their way to the top of everyone’s grocery list.
It is expected that nearly half the world’s arable land will be planted with these 3 major vegetables to be used both as a food source and as an alternative energy source.

President Obama welcomed the news stating “we were hoping that something would come along to help put plumbers and farmers back to work, and this is just the break we need to get this economy back on track.”