Could Taking Federal Aid Damage Perry’s Reputation with the Tea Party?

I Said Laugh Dammit
Opionion Page

(See Below)

The Texas wildfires have put Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry between a rock and a hard spot. While he’s come out swinging against the federal government saying states should have the ability to govern themselves, if he doesn’t take the federal aid being requested to fight the raging fires in Texas and to make the citizens who are affected by those fires whole, Perry faces a barrage of criticism he wasn’t prepared for.

What to do? What to do? Well, for starters, he could park his ass in Texas and show the people who are losing their homes that he’s here for them.  In addition, he could stop bashing the President and calm down long enough to have a grown-up conversation with him on just what needs are being met by Texas and what needs are going to require federal assistance.

Seeing as Mr. Perry wasn’t really worried about the threat of wildfires a year ago when he signed a bill cutting a spending package for volunteer firefighters across Texas, it doesn’t look like he’s too worried about its citizens either while he jets off to yet another Republican debate. So much for his comment that he's 'more concerned now with the citizens of Texas than he is politics.'

Wonder if he’s got enough time to stop off and buy a new fiddle.


NOTE: Obama has signed Federal Disaster Aid Bill to those suffering from wildfires in Central Texas.

Celebrities Pledge to Help America by Creating A Million Entourage Jobs

A man by the name of Sid Weinstock is heading up a group of some of the biggest names in the country who are each pledging to hire several new entourage members in an effort to create upwards of one million new jobs in America. Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs alone has signed up to add at least 20 new members to his entourage.

“We’ve got people right now scouring the unemployment lists to find folks we think will be a good fit for some of the highest paid artists in the world,” said Weinstock, who has created a company called Kiss Ups International. “From Beyonce to Streisand, New York to LA, we are coming to a city near you to find out what skills you have to make our biggest stars extremely comfortable in their hectic lives.”

“We want to see President Obama’s job bill succeed.” says Winstock, “But let’s face it. Most of our major factories have closed and the jobs shipped overseas, our kids are coming out of school without the educational tools necessary to hold down high-paying jobs, and the change in climate makes it hard on those who have to take outdoor jobs. Our entourage jobs are filling a much needed gap while giving those who deserve it [the stars] some much needed extra help.”

Weinstock says that no special skills are necessary, but all applicants must possess a willingness to be there 24/7 for the stars. Whether it’s taking care of a star’s bratty kids, making a late-night milkshake at 2 a.m. for a hungover starlet like Lindsay Lohan, or getting caught in a barrage of gunfire (in the case of gangsta rap stars), we need folks who are there ready to serve,” said Weinstock.

“It’s not as glamorous a job as you would think,” cautioned Weinstock, “but it’s a job and one that pays a fairly decent wage when you consider perks such as riding in limos, private jets and luxury buses, as well as being offered leftovers from some of the finest restaurants in the world.”

Weinstock claims that when all is said and done, entertainers from Hollywood to New York will be the real heroes of this latest economic disaster because they will have had the foresight and the means to take advantage of large pool of low paid workers willing to put up with just about anything to earn a paycheck. Just ask Kate Gosselin’s nanny(ies).

Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home

What began as a routine house cleansing by a local group of paranormal experts called in by Kate Gosselin to rid her home of some negative energy, turned into a blame game between Gosselin and the people trying to help her.

“If you can’t do the job you claim you are capable of, then just say so,” Gosselin reportedly screamed at Joe Heebie, the leader of PAPS (Paranormal and Parapsychic Services) of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. His partner, Carolyn Jeebies, claims the outburst was a result of Heebie telling Gosselin that he was pretty sure the evil she spoke of in her home was just her kids hiding things from her in order to escape her wrath and that a normal cleansing would not make a difference.

Heebie and Jeebies both claim that the only hint of evil they found in the home is manifested in Kate’s frequent anger tantrums.

“It’s a catch-22 situation,” said Jeebies. “On the one hand, you have all these supposedly scary evil things going on in the house, and to deal with it, Kate gets all angry about it and is nervous and edgy all the time. The negative energy just feeds off Kate, and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.”

Asked what evil things are happening, Heebie says he was told by Gosselin that whole cartons of milk have spilled onto the kitchen floor, mushed peas and other vegetables have been found in corners and the toilets have backed up several times.

When Gosselin was asked if it could just be her children being children, the tense mother lost it. “My children,” she shouted, “are good kids, and I am a mother that loves her children. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt them.”

Heebie says that’s when he decided there was more here than meets the eye and decided to set up some audio/visual equipment around the home to rule out paranormal activity as the cause for the strange things happening in the home.

Once the cameras were rolling, sure enough, Collin Gosselin was captured on film spitting the spinach he was given for dinner out of his mouth toward wall behind him when Kate’s back was turned. When confronted, Collin began crying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. The ghost told me to do it.”

After a private sit down with the children, it came out that the toddlers have made up the ghost excuse to tell their mother when they do something wrong so she will vent her anger in the direction of an unseen evil in the home.

Joe Heebie finally confronted Gosselin with the findings telling her that her children have been making up stories about evil beings in the home because they are afraid of telling her the truth and what her reaction might be.

Kate responded: “I send for a frikkin’ priest to rid my house of evil spirits and what do I get? The Heebie Jeebies.”

Kate told the paranormal team to wrap it up and get the hell out of her house but not before she asked “So, is this going to be on television? And if so, when can I expect my check?”

Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things

Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last week linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

Red Rover Game of Choice for Tea Party Republicans

Seriously, a Jobs Bill? That's the best you got?

“Red Rover. Red Rover, send a budget plan right over,” yelled Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) while linking his arms together tightly with his fellow Republican lawmakers to assure that any legislation, good or bad, wouldn’t make it through their barrier.

Washington insiders are saying that with the newly-elected freshman Tea Party legislators comes a whole new game plan.

“Before we were elected,” says Sen. Paul, “the House and Senate were playing one of the oldest games in the book--Chicken. Problem was, with the elections right around the corner, neither side was willing to ‘get run off the road’ for their beliefs.”

Paul claims that the game Chicken, if played right, can be a highly effective tool for producing the changes he feels are needed in Washington. But Paul contends that the “wussy factor” is much higher when politicians play Chicken, especially during an election year.

Now that he and other younger, more determined Republicans have just entered the scene and aren’t facing the threat of losing their jobs anytime soon, Paul says they needed a game that would show the American public just how far they were willing to go in order to get their way in Washington.

“We’re all pretty much willing to up the ante and play a much more serious game,” said Paul, “and out of all the games out there, Red Rover just really clicks with us.”

Paul claims Red Rover was one of his favorite games to play as a young boy growing up in Texas, and he couldn’t be happier that the game has found its way into his adult life.

“There are so many ways you can play Red Rover,” said Paul, who believes the game offers more strategic options than Chicken.

Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida) agreed wholeheartedly with his teammate.

Rubio claims that he and his colleagues are adamant about standing strong against any legislation that promotes a socialist agenda, but insists at the same time, there are a few instances where it may be necessary to allow one or two small bills through.

“While we’ve all taken a vow to prevent the passing of any legislation that would remotely make President Obama look like an effective leader,” says Rubio, “we also want to pass laws that are going to benefit us as a group, and the game of Red Rover allows us to do that much more effectively than Chicken without anyone calling us a bunch of wussies.”

John Boehner Hailed as Hero by Wealthiest Americans

John Boehner comes from a working-class background, and he isn’t afraid to let people know that. But what sets Boehner apart from most other working-class politicians is the way he’s taking up the cause of the wealthiest people in America--the folks who have everything they want and more but are treated poorly because of it.

“You may think it’s great to have a load of dough,” said Boehner at a recent Heritage Foundation meeting, “but these fellas go through life having to make their deals in private, meeting in back alleys and not ever knowing who their real friends are. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyeballs, I’d never have believed the problems all that money can cause for these guys,” he said.

As much as he wants to help them out, his not being in the same monetary league as them leaves him searching for solutions. “If I could just find a way to feel as wealthy as those who put me in office, I’d have this thing licked,” said Boehner. That is why, when he gets back to Washington after summer break, he is proposing a salary hike for lawmakers.

“We can’t relate to our most faithful constituents unless we have some kind of idea what these fellas are going through,” says Boehner. “While I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to push through a modest pay increase for myself and my fellow lawmakers, it does send a clear and strong message to the guys at the top that we’re doing our level best to not make them feel like outsiders; that we’ll get there come hell or high water.”

Boehner says millionaires are troubled enough, but billionaires come with their own set of problems and he’s determined to make sure their lives are a little better for knowing him. “That’s why I wanted to get into public office,” says Boehner. “I saw a real gap between the haves and the haves a lot, and the way their problems grew exponentially without any real representation in Congress.”

Boehner says he’ll do everything he can to make sure billionaires catch the same breaks as other folks. “Who knows? They may just wanna go to a regular baseball game, have a regular beer and eat a regular hot dog,” said Boehner. “I’m joking of course,” laughed Boehner. “They’d much rather be golfing.”

Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.