X-Fluents Surpass Uber Rich as the Wealthiest People on Earth

They once were called the Uber Rich, the 1 or 2% of the country’s population who possess the bulk of the nation’s wealth. However, many of the wealthiest Americans have held onto so much of their money that they are now known as the X-Fluents.

“They have money coming out of their ears,” claims one financial advisor who refused to give his name. “I can’t come up with enough ways to help them spend it,” he said as he took a phone call from a client asking him to buy two dozen pair of mating minks for the sole purpose of having a coat made as a special Christmas gift for her prized Shih Tzu, Bianca.

Another of the wealthiest in the world, Countess Dorothy de von Schtook, a New York City socialite, was recently spotted alongside her chauffer testing out the new Aston Martin One-77. “Oh dahling, I simply must have at least a week’s worth of these divine Astons for my collection,” said the Countess as she asked the salesperson to “put it on my account, dear.”

Saul Goldenschwanger, a billionaire who made his fortune in the real estate and oil business, said that although he agrees the label of Uber Rich must go, he hates the fact that he will have to spend extra money on having the name on his yacht “Miss Uber Rich” re-painted. “I have no idea if the name X-Fluent is available or if it is even an appropriate name for a sea-going vessel,” said a flustered Goldenschwanger. “I do so hate these minor inconveniences.”

Fortunately, the media has already caught on to the change so that those affected won’t be offended. In fact, Goldenschwanger said he didn’t really care what they called him, “just don’t call me late for dinner,” he mused, proving that he wasn’t really all that upset after all about having his yacht re-christened.

Koch Brothers Trying to Infiltrate Occupy America Movement

Some members of Occupy Wall Street, the precursor for the Occupy America Movement have reported being approached by employees of the Koch Brothers and offered everything from vegan muffins to cold hard cash if they would turn the peaceful protests into shouting matches.

Sunshine Delaney, a 23-year old protester from Long Island claims that she was approached by a young, long-haired guy while she was taking a break from marching along Wall Street with her friend, Bobby McGee.

“Yeah, so this guy comes up to me, and he’s like, ‘want a vegan muffin?’ and I was like, ‘are you sure they’re vegan? And he’s like ‘yeah, I’m pretty sure they are, at least that’s what the guy at Whole Foods told me,’ and I was like ‘well, sure, I guess, thanks, man.’”

Delaney says the man then started asking her rhetorical questions like “wouldn’t it be weird if you found out that this whole movement was being fronted by George Soros?” and “do you really know who is organizing these events?” She claims she started to get really paranoid and asked several of her fellow occupiers these same questions.

Fortunately, one of the organizers of the event, Dave Barry, was able to put Delaney’s mind at ease when he talked her down from the bad vibes the guy was spreading.

“Look, Sunshine,” said Dave, “there’s been some bad shit going around this protest. Some guys are passing out fake vegan muffins, free tents and sleeping bags, even ten dollar bills in exchange for a little dissident talk. We’re pretty sure the Koch Brothers are behind it.”

Barry says he can’t prove it, of course, but he says all you have to do is look at how easily the Tea Party was bought and how quickly that movement turned totally establishment.

“We’re printing up warning pamphlets as we speak,” said Barry. “Anyone who offers you a wad of cash to change your views, well, no matter how much you need the bread man, tell ‘em to take a hike. This movement can’t be bought.”

Thank God it’s Friday Has Become Moot in America

For decades, workers uttered the phrase Thank God it’s Friday, or TGIF for short, to indicate their relief at making it through another work week. Their co-workers would nod their heads in agreement as everyone looked forward to two glorious days off of work.

But the saying “all good things must come to an end” couldn’t be truer when it comes to TGIF, as the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a motion filed by the United Workers of America (UWA) to remove the phrase from the lexicon of American Sociology.

“We weren’t quite ready to get rid of the saying” claims U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts, “as we felt there were enough workers with jobs yet who might still appreciate being able to say those 4 simple words.”

But Roberts and the other Justices changed their minds when an Amicus Brief was filed by the United Part-Time Workers of America (UPTWA) bringing to light just how offensive the term TGIF has become.

John Rambling of Saginaw, Michigan, chief spokesperson for UPTWA explained the reasons for the Amicus Brief. “There is no longer such a thing as a full 40-hour work week. In fact, that dinosaur has left the planet. Workers are now being forced to cram a full 40-hour list of duties into a 20-25 hour work week, and they don’t work Monday through Friday. They work over the course of seven days. So TGIF is not only moot, it has become a highly offensive phrase to American workers.

Meanwhile, the United Bankers of America (JERKS) filed their own Amicus Brief with the Supreme Court basically telling the Supreme Court they have no problem with allowing the phrase TGIF to be stricken from America’s list of phrases.

“Sure,” said Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan, “we still work from Monday to Friday, 9 to 5, but if we have to pat ourselves on the back at the end of a hard work week, we’re good with changing the phrase to “Thank God We Still Have Jobs.”

Tareq Salahi Arrested for Attempting to Fence Stolen Items

Scene of missing bathrobe

Tareq Salahi must not have been thinking when, in order to get back at his wife Michaele, who left him for Journey member, Neal Schon, announced to the world that he was selling about 50 bathrobes his wife had stolen over the years from various luxury hotels.

After admitting to the folks over at TMZ that he was divorcing Michaele and selling off various items from their marriage, including the stolen bathrobe collection, police quickly arrested Tareq Salahi on a federal warrant. “Since the stolen bathrobes were taken across state lines, the charges were filed by federal prosecutors,” said a spokesperson close to the Tareq family.

Meanwhile, word from Michaele’s close friends is that she is having the time of her life, and when she heard that Tareq was offering the bathrobes for sale, she answered “That’s fine with me. I’m with a real hottie now. Who needs a stinkin’ bathrobe anyway?”

Rick Perry Takes Break from Campaign Trail to Visit Texas

You Shoulda Seen the One that Got Away

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t been home much lately. He’s out on the campaign trail trying to garner support for his presidential campaign that has, quite frankly, been derailed by Herman Cain, Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. But he’s hopeful and therefore ever vigilant in his fight to become the next nation’s leader.

But even presidential hopefuls need a break and that’s what brings Perry back to his home state. When asked what will be on his agenda once he gets back to his office, Perry replied “Oh goodness no, I have people to staff my office. They’ll be fine, so will Texas as a whole. Nope, I’m celebrating…goin’ fishin,’” said a smiling Perry.

“But what about the wildfire situation in Bastrop,” asked one reporter. “Oh, FEMA’s handling that,” Perry replied. “No, the NEW fire in Bastrop,” pressed the reporter.

“What, you mean there’s another daggone fire in that same place? Boy, those Bastrop people sure don’t have that Texas luck, do they?”

Perry then ended the conference by telling everyone that he preferred bass fishing to fly fishing. “It’s something about casting that lure and just waiting for a big ole’ fish to snap it up,” Perry said.

“Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. It’s just a big old waiting game,” he added as he hurried off in his private jet to give one last speech to the folks in New Jersey.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Makes Huge Announcement

“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major impact on my wife Mary Pat, as well as my children, and so what I am about to tell you comes from my having spent hours upon hours upon hours spent in deep thought and reflection and it is a decision I do not take lightly.

With baited breath, the audience waited to hear those magical words, that Christie has decided to run for President.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to announce to you my decision to choose a Weight Watcher’s diet over Atkins. My reasons for doing so…” but the crowd stood in silence. “You mean you’re freakin’ gonna finally go on a diet?” yelled someone from the back of the crowd.

“Yes,” replied Christie, puffing his chest out a bit more, so proud of himself and his decision. “Oh, and by the way, for the hundredth time folks, I am NOT running for President.”

Thanks to All My Readers

Dear Readers,

I would like to take the opportunity to thank each and every one of you who found my site and have laughed with me on a variety of subjects.

What amazes me is that my blog is one in several million, yet I continue to get higher and higher hit counts, leading me to believe that people are not only returning to read the latest satire I can churn out, but they are telling their friends. I honestly don’t know how you all are finding me, but I am happy that you are.

I would ask only one thing, if you have a moment, could you leave a comment on something you’ve read that has made you laugh. Let me know how you found the blog and any suggestions on how I might make it even better. This will give me an idea of who my readers are and why they are coming to my site. It is pretty straightforward. Just hit the comment button at the end of any article and fill out the comment form. You can also use any one of the social network buttons to share my satire on your social networking sites.

Again, I appreciate your visits and look forward to making you laugh on a daily basis.

Best Regards,

P. Beckert