BP Executives Now Understand Full Impact of Oil Spill Disaster

TONY 'BALONEY' HAYWARD

As millions of Americans are enjoying a three-day Memorial Day weekend, BP executives and crew must work around the clock to continue efforts to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and at least appear as if they are trying to clean the waters and shorelines of the southern states affected by the oil leakage.

As one executive put it in a news conference on Friday, "This oil spill has affected us in ways you can't imagine. While everyone else in America is spending time with their families going to picnics and ball games, eating hot dogs and swilling beer, we are slaving away at work on this damned mess. It wasn’t until we heard one local newscaster tell another, ‘well, Paul, I’m off for a three-day weekend; have a good one,’ that it occurred to me that if we’d have only used a little more sense when designing and constructing this damned oil platform, none of us would be having to miss a holiday.”

When reminded that he was British and Memorial Day was an American holiday, the executive replied, “I beg to differ, but because we are operating this particular business within the confines of America, we are bound by America’s employment laws, which specifically state that we must take Memorial Day as a holiday, and we certainly wouldn’t want to break any American laws.”

Virginia Invites Kentucky to be its Sister State after Rand Paul Win

Richmond, VA – The Virginia Governor has introduced a measure to the Virginia House of Representatives that formally invites the state of Kentucky to be Virginia’s sister state. Normally, a state will invite a foreign state (as in outside of the United States) to become their sister state, but in this case, the legislature is making an exception. According to an official government spokesperson, “Virginia doesn’t need to look outside the United States for sisters, cause they got some pretty good lookin’ ones right here.”

House Representative Hal Horsense from Lynchburg stated that as soon as the results of the primary elections in Kentucky were announced and Rand Paul had been voted in as the GOP choice for Senator, Virginia kinda figured that they weren’t the only state in the union with radical ideas for the future. “But the icin’ that was drapped on the cake, so t’ speak,” said Horsense, “was when ol’ Rand got up thar and came right out and said it like it is. When Rand told everone that a business has the right to deny services to anyone it chooses, that is the freedom of the Constitution speaking right thar through Rand.”

Keeping in line with the Virginia Governor’s desire to include the Confederacy’s rich heritage in its upcoming  150^th Anniversary celebration, an official invitation is being readied to invite Kentucky to join Virginia in recognition of the two states’ commitment to getting back to the original intent of the forefathers (with the exception of Thomas Jefferson), and forge ahead with a common goal, “to unite the American’s America.”

In addition to having a common fondness (not in a sexual way) for Rand Paul, the two states have a few other things in common. For instance, many might not know that Kentucky was actually a part of Virginia before becoming its own state. But there are other way more important things that inextricably link these two states such as their mutual love of guns (sometimes in a sexual way), love of country, and love of country music. “All in all,” says Horsense, “we see this as a natural progression to bring a brother and his sister back together again.”

But what about other states with the same ideals such as South Carolina, Arkansas and Alabama? Why haven’t they been asked to become sister states? Said Horsense, “That’s a darned good question and one we’ve been rasslin’ with. We are tryin’ to come up with some sorta solution and the best one so far is t’ maybe just make ‘em our ‘kissin’ cousin’ states.”

Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schrödinger’s cat.  Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”

Sarah Palin Ran Out of Things to Blame on President Obama Today

[strong]Wasilly, AK[/strong] - Journalists assigned to cover Sarah Palin were stunned today when, fully expecting a new barrage of attacks against President Obama, Ms. Palin simply stated, "I got nothin'."

Of course, that didn't stop her from dredging up old complaints of his handling of everything from health care reform, to the economic crisis, to the illegal immigrant problem, climate control, global warming, gun rights, education, taxes and financial reform. In fact, Ms. Palin claims that she has all but exhausted her attacks on the President for his handling of the oil spill as well. "I've accused him of everything I can think of, including the admittedly lame complaint that he is in bed with big oil and not caring about the wildlife that is being affected by the oil spill, which, by the way, is entirely his fault."

Ms. Palin, however, promised not to keep the news people hanging, vowing to get with her advisers as soon as possible, as well as making a few phone calls to Mr. Murdoch and others, to drum up some more of the same to keep the momentum going.

"You can count on me to be ever vigilant in attacking the President as often and as loudly as I can to make sure that everyone in this country knows what a poor job he is doing as our present leader. As long as there is a Fox News Channel and as long as I am a major contributor, I will be as vocal as I can to fill in any gaps left open by Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck."

With that, she gave her famous wink and said "Don'tcha worry about a thing America. We got it covered."

Obama Vows to Kick Lobbyists Out of Washington Offices

Plans on Turning K Street into a Giant Dunk Tank

Washington, DC – Today, President Barack Obama took one of his strongest stands to date against the corporate interests dogging his efforts to bring true change to America. Not only is he planning on issuing a mandate that sends all the corporate lobbyists with offices on K Street packing, but he intends to do something no other President before him has had the guts to do. Obama is going to make each and every one of them pay for the shameful way they’ve attempted to openly buy off the American people but also the government of the United States of America.

Beginning next week, construction will begin on a three-block long giant dunk tank with approximately 100 booths filled with water and collapsible seats. Lobbyists will be made to take turns for hours on end while ordinary citizens are welcomed to come up and take a shot at the lobbyist of their choice. There will be booths with lobbyists representing the oil, gas and coal industries, as well as the financial industry, including investment bankers, mortgage lenders, brokerage houses, and savings and loan institutes .

The NRA lobbyists will provide quite a few targets for its ability to get more and more guns on the streets and ultimately in the hands of the wrong people and fundamental Christian groups will also have a pew or two for those lobbyists who have succeeded in duct-taping politics and religion back together again and tainting our politicians with their “salvation for votes” schemes.

The hottest seats expected to draw the biggest crowds will be the insurance and pharmaceutical industries. In fact, there are expected to be so many people jockeying for a try to dunk these lobbyists that queue lines akin to those found at amusement parks will be placed in front of those dunk tanks.

Each week, President Obama plans on having a “special guest” to dunk. Hopefully, if all goes well, Dick Cheney will be the first to grace that dunk tank and tickets have already sold out for a chance at “Dunkin’ Dick.”

So, if you’ve not already made your vacation plans, you may want to consider a trip to our nation’s capital to join in on one of the more inventive ideas to come from the President in quite a while. It is sure to become the greatest show on earth.

President Obama Freezes BP Assets until Oil Spill Fixed

Washington, DC – BP CEO Tony Hayward woke up to the news Monday morning that President Obama had taken the drastic step of freezing every last penny of BP’s assets, including bank accounts the world over, stock portfolios, and even the cash Hayward himself had in his wallet, until every last drop of oil is cleaned up and the leak is fixed.

“That should cook their goose,” he heard the President say as he listened to the news report on the clock radio beside his bed. “Unless and until this tiny little man wakes up and smells the oil, there will be no more free lunch from the United States, and I mean that literally. That little lunch counter he and his oil buddies frequent down by the water every day as they sit there and soak up the sun is now officially off-limits. Besides, he’s gonna be as poor as a church mouse come about noon today, so that’s a moot point.”

Hayward reached for a cigarette with trembling hands and lit one up as he sat there contemplating his next move. “Ah-ha,” he said under his breath although no one was in the room with him, the President doesn’t know about the stash of hundred dollar bills I keep in my socks. But just as he got the words out of his mouth, the President continued, “oh and Tony, if you’re listening, we already know about the roll of hundreds you keep in your sock for emergencies. We’re gonna get that too, every last cent of it.”

“And to make sure you understand the severity of this situation, Mr. Hayward,” continued the President, “we are sending someone up there immediately to your fancy hotel room and helping you get packed. We’ve found a sweet little shrimp shack on the edge of the water in Blurgwenchtth Bayou, where you’ll spend the rest of the time in Louisiana until that oil mess is taken care of.” “Blurgwenchtth, what the fu*k kinda name is Blurgwenchtth,” whispered Hayward.

Just as Hayward was getting ready to put all his belongings in his suitcase and bolt for the door, he heard a knock on the door and froze in panic. He didn’t make a peep as the knocking got louder and louder. Finally, a key was inserted and the door opened a crack, “Mr. Hayward, Mr. Hayward? This is your 7 o’clock wake up call.”

American Expatriates in Mexico Feeling Sting of Arizona Law

Todos Santos, Mexico - American baby boomers, flush with money, have been making their way down to Mexico’s Baja coast for a decade or more as expatriates trying to escape the high cost of living in the United States. They’re doing anything they can to make their retirement dollars stretch while, at the same time, enjoying a better-than-average lifestyle by the ocean. So you can understand why they are more than a little peeved at their cousins still in the north, back in Arizona, who have taken it upon themselves to make things very difficult for Americans choosing to live south of the border.

Case in point, Todos Santos. The expatriates who have found this lovely place are happy for it not to become another Cabo San Lucas, with it’s exhorbitant food and drink prices, cruise ships full of pushy tourists, and hotels blocking the lovely sea view. But the Mexicans are angry at America right now and are realizing that the best way they can get back at them is to invite them onto their lovely beaches and then over-charge them for everything from a banana to a cabana.

Syliva Brownstead of Hoboken, New Jersey says she is heartbroken over Arizona’s recent decision to make it difficult for anyone of Hispanic descent, particularly, to go about their daily business in that state. “I think the law just stinks.”

When told that most non-Hispanic Arizonans were happy with the law and that it was refreshing to see someone sticking up for the Mexicans for a change, she replied, “Mexicans, Schmexicans, the law stinks because it’s causing me so much agita down here. I used to go down to the beach in the morning and get a couple of breakfast tacos for the equivalent of around twenty-five cents. Now they’re charging two bucks for each. And on Margarita Mondays, we used to get two for one. Now we’re lucky to get one for less than $5.00 a pop, and that’s with third-shelf tequila.”

Joe Bendover, from Providence, Rhode Island agrees. “Up north, we’d have to always eat dinner in the late afternoon to take advantage of early-bird prices. Came down here and we were able to relax on the beach all day and then take our time getting ready for dinner at the local cantina around 6:30 or 7 p.m. and enjoy a fantastic meal for a half of what the early-bird prices were in America. But not anymore, last Tuesday I see a sign that says early-bird dinner 3-4 p.m. and a price that was fifty cents less than the regular menu. Great, you say, right? Sure, except that the regular menu is now double what it was last week. Thanks a lot, Arizona, you buncha bazookas.”

But the real story down here is the attitude. Says Brownstone, “I used to get a criada (maid) to come to my hacienda two times a week and she’d clean my entire house for around $7 each day, with a smile on her face, no less. Great money for her and I had more time at the beach. But no more. Now, if I want someone to come do my cleaning, I have to hire one of the other expatriate women who are low on cash due to rising prices to clean for me and I’m lucky to get them to come once a month, let alone twice a week. And their going rate is $25 an hour! I may as well move back to Jersey.”

“The Mexican women have all banded against us and have realized that they can make more money cleaning local hotels now that the rates have risen through the ceiling. Let me tell you, you’re better off cleaning your own house if all you can get is another American to do it.”