Iced Tea Spiked with LSD Found at Tea Party Rally

A group of hippies, outraged that the Tea Party Movement is advertising their Saturday protest rally in Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of  Searchlight, Nevada as a conservative Woodstock, decided to teach Palin and her cronies a lesson they’d not soon forget.

Disguising themselves as conservatives, tucking their long locks up into camouflage ballcaps, and spouting anti-Obama expletives, several older hippies infiltrated the rally and began spiking the community tea supply with real LSD.

Fortunately, only a handful of rallyers drank the tea before the prank was discovered. Of those who did trip out, it was like a scene right out of a Pink Floyd video. Joe and Marie Scottsman, a married couple in their 60’s began to strip off their clothes in front of everyone and declare to those around them that they were going to start an orgy and anyone who wanted to join in were free to do so.

Another elderly Tea Party follower was found wandering around in the surrounding desert collecting what he believed were moon rocks to sell when he got back to earth.

For an hour or two, there was total mayhem as the tea partiers passed around bad information regarding the spiked tea. “Don’t drink the iced tea from the Gulfstream down there over by the welcome tent,” said one PSA. “Do you know how many freakin’ Gulfstream trailers there are here today?” complained one concerned party-goer. Many others were confused in thinking that it was kool-aid that was spiked and not iced tea. Most everyone blamed Obama.

In the end, 47 tea partiers in all were being coaxed down by their conservative counterparts only to be told that they were now undesirable members because of their drug use, unintentional or not. Talk about a bad trip.

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet…With Door Open…and Whistles

Washington, D.C. - “Clueless Joe” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing it bit by bit, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is to go past the 1^st floor bathroom right off the kitchen and see him sitting there on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. “It’s getting to the point where we’d rather see ghosts in the hallway than to be subjected to this scene,” said one of the kitchen staff members. No one has the guts to say anything to him and when we see him in the hall, we just try and steer clear of that bathroom cause we know what we’re gonna see. It’s awfully upsetting.”

When asked to explain why Joe won’t close the door and give himself some privacy when doing #2, Joe Biden’s secretary had this to say, “Joe has been like this ever since I met him many years ago at his campaign headquarters. He’d come in, say hi to everyone, shake their hands, and then head straight to the can, door wide open, poll results in hand, and whistle some happy little diddy as he did his business. At first, we were aghast, but we later just got use to his quirkiness and, although I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, his unusual way of using the toilet no longer bothers me. Joe’s an outgoing, affable man, and he honestly just doesn’t give a crap (no pun intended) about being embarrassed about anything.”

Some say that this habit of Joe’s goes all the way back to kindergarten, when he’d ask to use the restroom between classrooms and sit there pleased as you may looking at the pictures in his ABC book, whistling as he made poopie, as he liked to call it, all while leaving the door wide open. He’d even yell hello to any kids passing through, that’s how friendly Joe was and still is today.

Whatever the reason, special assistants have been assigned to the “Joe detail” so as to head off any truly embarrassing moments that may happen when tour groups come to call. Their only purpose is to watch for Joe at any one of the bathrooms he frequents during the day and follow him to make sure his door is closed. Said one assistant, “it’s not so bad. We just follow him to the bathroom, wait for him to get comfortable and when we hear whistling, we just avert our eyes, reach for the door, and pull it shut so that all you hear is happy whistling on the other side. Everybody wins.”

Pissed off Pope Issues Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Mandate to Media

Breaking news out of Vatican City has the Pope at the very core of the sex abuse scandal that is rocking the Roman Catholic Church, and the Pope is none too pleased about the fact that he can do little to quell the suspicions.

Evidently, writing a stern letter to the church leaders in Ireland and Germany and having that act reported on by the press was just not enough to call off the newshounds, and now, bigger and better stories seem to be hitting the wires almost continually.

In an effort to stop the “nonsense,” as he calls it, Pope Benedict has issued an official mandate from the Vatican to media outlets all over the world imploring them “don’t ask, don’t tell” anything with regards to the sex scandal, until the situation has had time to simmer down.

“Obviously,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “this is a private Church matter that can only be dealt with internally without the eyes of the world watching. As in the past, you can count on the Pope to do the right thing.”

Should Kate Gosselin be Required to Pay Alimony to Jon?

With Kate Gosselin now bringing in a paycheck from appearances on Dancing with the Stars (DWTS), and Jon Gosselin still kicking around with no job prospects, it only stands to reason that he should get some of her money. I mean, let’s face it, he has 8 children to support and he can’t do it alone.

So, should he go back to court and ask for alimony? More than likely if he did, it would be granted and for several legal reasons, the strongest of which is that as the father of Kate’s children, he is expected to provide a stable environment for the children during visits and without the money necessary to do so, it could impact their overall well-being, both physically and psychologically.

But beside the legal implications of who should support whom, it is imperative that the children see their mommy as generous and kind toward their father and what better way to show that than to share her earnings with him. He was just trying to do the right thing by keeping his children out of the TLC spotlight, and by doing so, he cut off his only supply of steady income. That selfless act in and of itself should garner him at least a third or more of what Kate makes on DWTS.

Some may say that Jon is well taken care of by his current sweetheart and doesn’t really need the money; however, the fact remains that he is spending quite a bit of his personal time taking care of the kids while Kate is busy making a name for herself, and it shouldn’t matter who is making the money as long as the kids are under the impression that both their parents are well to do.

If nothing else, Jon needs cigarette money. Do you know how much a pack of smokes costs these days? With all the added stress of caring for the kids himself while Kate is off dancing with the stars, it would be unfair to ask him to give up the habit at this critical juncture.

So, the question, should Jon ask the Courts to grant him alimony from his working wife? All signs point to sure, why not? If it were the other way around, the question wouldn’t even need to be asked. And we’re betting Jon would be liked much better on DWTS than Kate anyway leading to way more money in the long run.

Craigslist Ad Looking for Master Catapult Builder

As recently seen on Austin Craigslist:

EXPERIENCED CATAPULT BUILDER (N. AUSTIN)

Date: 2010-03-22, 9:33PM CDT
Reply to: job-phthuttt-1639419@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh all the way to Costa Rica and help him make good on the promise he made to leave the country if the health care reform bill became law.

Top dollar will be paid for the best design submitted.

You build the catapult. We’ll take care of the logistics of getting Rush into the damn thing.

Job Posting: 1639419

Location: N Austin

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job! Show up in person with tools and plans ready to start building immediately.

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. This is a very specific job that may or may not require some degree of knowledge about rocket science.

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

Las Vegas, NV – Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first high-profile personality to come right out and call the President the “N” word publicly.

Al Betz, the first bookmaker to come up with the plan, said that bookies early on thought it would be over before it started while watching the debates on health care reform Sunday. Said Betz, “There were reports of some protesters outside Congress throwing out the “N” word at black Democrats, but none of them were really newsworthy people and none of them were specifically calling the President a Ni**er, so we disqualified them.

The bets are focused on really well-known personalities. Betz continued, “We honestly thought we had a winner about an hour after the health care reform bill was passed when Rush Limbaugh vowed to take the President and his people down. He came ‘this’ close,” motioned Betz with his index and thumb just barely touching, “but he moved away from it. We could almost see the “N” word form on his lips, but he pulled back just in time and all that came out of it was a gnarly snarl that erupted into the word Nazi and then more spewing of venom.”

Other frontrunners getting lots of action include hot-headed Sen. John Boehner (R-Ohio) and openly angry Rep. Randy Neugebauer (R-Texas) who couldn’t contain himself from shouting “baby killer” when Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Michigan) announced he was switching his health care reform vote to yes. These are the folks with deep-seated hatred who have let the heated rhetoric cause them to say audacious things without first engaging the brain. One bookmaker said he was just sorry that Jesse Helms was not in the running. “Hell, I think Helms would have shouted the “N” word first just to skew the odds,” he said with a chuckle.

An unusual politician getting a good portion of the action is none other than Harry Reid, who, earlier this year had Republicans up in arms when he referred to Obama as an articulate, light-skinned Negro. Although he apologized and said he meant his comments in the kindest way toward the President, the generational bias was palpable and some odds makers say that Reid may still let the “N” word slip, albeit not in a hateful way.

One other unusual contender getting quite a few votes is none other than Michael Steele, Republican National Committee Chairman, who is, himself, of African-American decent. In the case of Steele, a caveat has been added on any bets placed that say that he cannot win the bet if, when referring to Obama with the “N” word, he does it in a “brotherly” way such as referring to Obama’s ability to get the health care bill passed as something to the effect of “that is one bad-assed Ni**er what just got that bitch bill passed.”

Some other rules are that the “N” word can be uttered to a private group as long as there are enough witnesses to verify it being said, such as at a Town Hall Meeting, an RNC fundraiser, even a state or national championship BBQ contest as long as it is uttered by someone with clout.

However, the big money is focusing on a national television or radio broadcaster who uses the “N” word in context and vehemently live on the air. “That’s where the big bucks are gonna pay off,” said Hal Litzer, part-time bookie and president of the local NRA chapter.

As word of the bet becomes more widespread, there is the possibility that gamblers who have big money riding on it will call into shows such as that aired by Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck to try and elicit angry responses that will ultimately lead to a tirade where the “N” word is not only spoken, but spewed over and over and over again with no apologies whatsoever.

Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish

Vatican – It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany with regards to the sex scandal that has continued to plague the Catholic Church—lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men.

The Pope has asked the Vatican physicians to look into the possibility that since priests are no longer officially required to abstain from consuming meat on Fridays, the levels of mercury in their systems from lack of fish has dropped significantly. It is a well-known fact that mercury levels in one’s body contributes to high blood pressure and in most cases can only be treated with blood pressure medications that tend to suppress the male sex drive.

With fewer priests consuming fish these days, the mercury levels in these individuals have dropped, alleviating the need for blood pressure medications that typically have the side effect of causing a reduced desire for sex. In addition, the over-consumption of meat leads to more protein in the body. Protein is essential for a healthy sexual drive in the male body. The end result is that priests’ libidos are in full-swing again contributing to their unsavory appetite for sex.

In a review of the cases involving sexual improprieties, the Pope noted that only during the Lenten season was there a significant drop in complaints of a sexual nature against the Church, which confirms his suspicions. Fish is consumed in large amounts during much of February and into March and early April, but after that, the amount of fish consumed falls off dramatically and that is when complaints of sexual abuse begin to see a sharp rise.

The Pope has written a Pastoral Letter to all priests and bishops in Ireland and Germany requiring them to consume fish at least 3 times or more per week. “Abstinence now is not the answer. We must eat as much fish as we can to keep the blood pressure elevated so as to suppress our un-Godly desires.” Dubbed the “Loaves and Fishes Path to Salvation,” the Pope hopes that this simplistic approach to the Church’s most embarrassing scandal will be as effective as when Jesus was able to feed the multitudes of followers with just a few fish and couple loaves of bread.

When asked if this plan of action is a bit extraordinary considering the adverse medical implications it can have on Catholic priests, the Pope seemed nonplussed. On the one hand, if something isn’t done quickly, the Catholic Church may face bankruptcy. On the other hand, the Church sees this as an appropriate physical act of contrition. To them, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to ask those priests who are having a hard time abstaining from sex to risk their health on a small scale to help the Church get back into the good graces of its parishioners.

Rumors that the Pope has a back-up plan to spike all priests’ food with chemicals designed to inhibit their libidos are unsubstantiated; however, an undisclosed source indicated that Vatican physicians have been “asking around” about chemical castration as a possible solution to the growing problem.