Rocker Beck Removes “c” in name to Disassociate Self from Glenn Beck

Totally cool indie rocker, Beck, has had enough of being confused with Glenn Beck on the internet and is finally taking steps to disassociate himself once and for all with the name Beck. He has decided to revert back to his real name Bek so that his friends and fans no longer have to be subjected to the vitriolic message they sometimes are subjected to when they find their way onto Glenn Beck’s website by mistake.

To introduce the change, Bek is planning on hosting a free intimate “Re-Naming Party” in L.A. sometime in May. And, to make absolutely certain his fans no longer confuse him with Glenn Beck, he is re-releasing his hit “Loser” and dedicating it to Glenn Beck. Said a close friend, “Listen to the lyrics, man, it’s just so fuc*ing fitting you know? ‘Kill the headlights and put it in neutral, Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control. Soy un perdedor.’ So fuc*ing fitting.”

New Old Age Replacing New Age as New Age-Old Age

In the blink of an eye, the New Age will be over, and the New Old Age will take over.  Sources close to the divine greatness himself known only as a whisper have confirmed that before the end of the second decade of 2000, the world, as we know it, will be changed forever. 

This gives us little time to figure out how the New Old Age thing is going to work or if we are even going to be taking part in it. For the time being, many questions abound such as: Will the New Old Age be in any way similar to the New Age? Is it a new belief system based on old teachings or, is it an old belief system based on old teachings or, is it a new belief system based on new teachings of an old nature? Why is it called New if it is Old?

Initial whisperings indicates that New Old Age just is, and makes perfectly clear that it is not a belief system in the current understanding, but something that will replace all the earthly belief systems as simply an age.

Said one early follower: “This truly is unbelievable, when you start to understand and follow it.”

In secret settlements being erected in caves somewhere deep in the mountains of Peru, new beings known as New Old Age Heralds or (NOAH’s) are busy channeling new beings into being. When the time comes, the means to do this will be taught to everyone on the planet who survives the New Old Age conversion. For the time being though, these beings are being kept in complete secrecy.

"Arousal Man” Barred from Future Palin Rallies

Cliff Boehner, no relation to Sen. John Boehner, has a bit of a problem whenever he gets within 100 feet of Sarah Palin. He can’t contain his excitement and, in fact, becomes highly aroused. It is for that reason that Mr. Boehner is no longer welcome at any of Sarah Palin’s future rallies.

Said a Palin spokesperson, “You can always tell when Mr. Boehner is ‘front and center’ so to speak at Sarah’s feet because Sarah lets out a gasp and can’t concentrate on her speech. It really throws her rhythm off, to say the least.”

In Mr. Boehner’s defense, his friends and family say that Sarah would be hard pressed to find a more loyal follower. Boehner has been following Sarah Palin ever since she was first introduced by John McCain as his running mate in the 2008 elections and his family has gotten used to his little “problem.” In fact, now they just laugh and say “Cliffie’s got a stiffie,” and joke about being able to bottle that kind of enthusiasm.

“He’s really harmless,” said his wife, Carrie, of 28 years. “We’ve tried everything, therapy, medication, biofeedback, but honestly I’m not complaining. I just hope Sarah stays in the spotlight for many a year because honestly, I am the one who’s really making out on this deal.”

As for Mr. Boehner being banned from showing up at future rallies, Mr. Boehner claims that he’s willing to risk imprisonment to be close to the woman who makes him feel all tingly inside just listening to her voice. He admits, it’s not Palin’s message that forces his libido into a heightened state of alert. Boehner says it’s that nasally hum when she speaks that sends out vibrations straight to his core. “It’s the best sex I’ve ever experienced without actually physically touching anyone,” he claims.

Iced Tea Spiked with LSD Found at Tea Party Rally

A group of hippies, outraged that the Tea Party Movement is advertising their Saturday protest rally in Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of  Searchlight, Nevada as a conservative Woodstock, decided to teach Palin and her cronies a lesson they’d not soon forget.

Disguising themselves as conservatives, tucking their long locks up into camouflage ballcaps, and spouting anti-Obama expletives, several older hippies infiltrated the rally and began spiking the community tea supply with real LSD.

Fortunately, only a handful of rallyers drank the tea before the prank was discovered. Of those who did trip out, it was like a scene right out of a Pink Floyd video. Joe and Marie Scottsman, a married couple in their 60’s began to strip off their clothes in front of everyone and declare to those around them that they were going to start an orgy and anyone who wanted to join in were free to do so.

Another elderly Tea Party follower was found wandering around in the surrounding desert collecting what he believed were moon rocks to sell when he got back to earth.

For an hour or two, there was total mayhem as the tea partiers passed around bad information regarding the spiked tea. “Don’t drink the iced tea from the Gulfstream down there over by the welcome tent,” said one PSA. “Do you know how many freakin’ Gulfstream trailers there are here today?” complained one concerned party-goer. Many others were confused in thinking that it was kool-aid that was spiked and not iced tea. Most everyone blamed Obama.

In the end, 47 tea partiers in all were being coaxed down by their conservative counterparts only to be told that they were now undesirable members because of their drug use, unintentional or not. Talk about a bad trip.

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet…With Door Open…and Whistles

Washington, D.C. - “Clueless Joe” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing it bit by bit, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking the maid if she needs any help. Seems Mr. Biden is finding it hard to keep himself busy as vice-president.

And the latest word from the staff is that Joe has no idea how unnerving it is to go past the 1^st floor bathroom right off the kitchen and see him sitting there on the throne, reading the latest press releases and whistling a tune. “It’s getting to the point where we’d rather see ghosts in the hallway than to be subjected to this scene,” said one of the kitchen staff members. No one has the guts to say anything to him and when we see him in the hall, we just try and steer clear of that bathroom cause we know what we’re gonna see. It’s awfully upsetting.”

When asked to explain why Joe won’t close the door and give himself some privacy when doing #2, Joe Biden’s secretary had this to say, “Joe has been like this ever since I met him many years ago at his campaign headquarters. He’d come in, say hi to everyone, shake their hands, and then head straight to the can, door wide open, poll results in hand, and whistle some happy little diddy as he did his business. At first, we were aghast, but we later just got use to his quirkiness and, although I can’t speak for the rest of the gang, his unusual way of using the toilet no longer bothers me. Joe’s an outgoing, affable man, and he honestly just doesn’t give a crap (no pun intended) about being embarrassed about anything.”

Some say that this habit of Joe’s goes all the way back to kindergarten, when he’d ask to use the restroom between classrooms and sit there pleased as you may looking at the pictures in his ABC book, whistling as he made poopie, as he liked to call it, all while leaving the door wide open. He’d even yell hello to any kids passing through, that’s how friendly Joe was and still is today.

Whatever the reason, special assistants have been assigned to the “Joe detail” so as to head off any truly embarrassing moments that may happen when tour groups come to call. Their only purpose is to watch for Joe at any one of the bathrooms he frequents during the day and follow him to make sure his door is closed. Said one assistant, “it’s not so bad. We just follow him to the bathroom, wait for him to get comfortable and when we hear whistling, we just avert our eyes, reach for the door, and pull it shut so that all you hear is happy whistling on the other side. Everybody wins.”

Pissed off Pope Issues Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Mandate to Media

Breaking news out of Vatican City has the Pope at the very core of the sex abuse scandal that is rocking the Roman Catholic Church, and the Pope is none too pleased about the fact that he can do little to quell the suspicions.

Evidently, writing a stern letter to the church leaders in Ireland and Germany and having that act reported on by the press was just not enough to call off the newshounds, and now, bigger and better stories seem to be hitting the wires almost continually.

In an effort to stop the “nonsense,” as he calls it, Pope Benedict has issued an official mandate from the Vatican to media outlets all over the world imploring them “don’t ask, don’t tell” anything with regards to the sex scandal, until the situation has had time to simmer down.

“Obviously,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “this is a private Church matter that can only be dealt with internally without the eyes of the world watching. As in the past, you can count on the Pope to do the right thing.”

Should Kate Gosselin be Required to Pay Alimony to Jon?

With Kate Gosselin now bringing in a paycheck from appearances on Dancing with the Stars (DWTS), and Jon Gosselin still kicking around with no job prospects, it only stands to reason that he should get some of her money. I mean, let’s face it, he has 8 children to support and he can’t do it alone.

So, should he go back to court and ask for alimony? More than likely if he did, it would be granted and for several legal reasons, the strongest of which is that as the father of Kate’s children, he is expected to provide a stable environment for the children during visits and without the money necessary to do so, it could impact their overall well-being, both physically and psychologically.

But beside the legal implications of who should support whom, it is imperative that the children see their mommy as generous and kind toward their father and what better way to show that than to share her earnings with him. He was just trying to do the right thing by keeping his children out of the TLC spotlight, and by doing so, he cut off his only supply of steady income. That selfless act in and of itself should garner him at least a third or more of what Kate makes on DWTS.

Some may say that Jon is well taken care of by his current sweetheart and doesn’t really need the money; however, the fact remains that he is spending quite a bit of his personal time taking care of the kids while Kate is busy making a name for herself, and it shouldn’t matter who is making the money as long as the kids are under the impression that both their parents are well to do.

If nothing else, Jon needs cigarette money. Do you know how much a pack of smokes costs these days? With all the added stress of caring for the kids himself while Kate is off dancing with the stars, it would be unfair to ask him to give up the habit at this critical juncture.

So, the question, should Jon ask the Courts to grant him alimony from his working wife? All signs point to sure, why not? If it were the other way around, the question wouldn’t even need to be asked. And we’re betting Jon would be liked much better on DWTS than Kate anyway leading to way more money in the long run.